Gold, Black and Blue

[DigitalPopsicle]

I do a LARP where my character is trying to woo someone who uses magic based on Night and Autumn, so I wrote this for him.


My gaze upon the night sky,


As it fades to a darker blue,


My mind can't help but wander


To thoughts surrounding you.


Do you see what I see up there?


Stars glittering in the sky;


Reminds me of your handsome face


And the moonlight in your eyes -


Imbued with golds of Autumn -


It's Night that holds you dear.


Curls of wheat upon your head,


Before us: a sky so clear.


I wish to sit there, and gaze upon,


The moon and stars with you.


A blanket's warmth, a pillow soft


Gazing at gold and black and blue.

 

[Dusky]

The rhyme actually seems natural in most places, which is more than many aspiring poets can say of their work, so I commend you there. That's what grabbed my attention about this piece; other than that, I can't say much in defense of the actual content. It's sweet, but there's nothing original or gripping about it. Romantic, but without force or feeling. If this were written about me, for example, I would be flattered but unimpressed. Kinda like a cheesy rom com. Fun, but predictable. It suits its purpose just fine, but as a true work of poetry it could use improvement.


If I were to leave any advice for you, it would be to apply the aptitude displayed here to subjects that matter to you, to the things that you have to say that are fresh and new.

 

[DigitalPopsicle]

The rhyme actually seems natural in most places, which is more than many aspiring poets can say of their work, so I commend you there. That's what grabbed my attention about this piece; other than that, I can't say much in defense of the actual content. It's sweet, but there's nothing original or gripping about it. Romantic, but without force or feeling. If this were written about me, for example, I would be flattered but unimpressed. Kinda like a cheesy rom com. Fun, but predictable. It suits its purpose just fine, but as a true work of poetry it could use improvement.
If I were to leave any advice for you, it would be to apply the aptitude displayed here to subjects that matter to you, to the things that you have to say that are fresh and new.

I was really struggling to make it more original but I have to admit poetry isn't my forte. Any advice on what would be a more original subject matter?

 

[Dusky]

It's less about subject matter, more about presentation. We've heard the lines about looking at the same sky and minds wandering to thoughts of your love and stargazing and hair like wheat a million times. Does this mean love poems shouldn't ever be written? Of course not.


There's no tried-and-true "method" for originality. All I can do is recommend you read. Read a lot. Read things you love, read things you hate. Read everything you can get your hands on. And keep writing!


There's a pretty useful guide stickied at the top of this section for writing poetry.

 

[Grey]

Dusk beat me to it. Nice to see a LARPer around, though! Do drop by the Dice section of the site sometime.