Crocodile
Mister Zero
Dear Friend,
How are you today? I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing you to introduce myself in the eager anticipation of our eventual meeting. You do not know me yet, but you will in time. I was thrilled to realize the opportunity we had to get to know one another before I arrive. There obviously will be many questions and I hope to answer them all in time. Simply know that I am eager for our correspondence to continue in the coming days. You need not worry about delivery charges for my letters. All matters are in motion and will not be interrupted.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
How are you today? I am notably cross with you discarding my previous letter as some sort of practical joke. I am not some child playing at games. I resisted the urge to respond more vigorously at this point, electing to instead send you a very strongly worded reprimand for the insult you do upon me. If you persist in dismissing my letters after this one, I will be forced to demonstrate my displeasure to you. That is something I would like to avoid as I believe we can be such very good friends. To mire that with something so childish as a reaction to your own petulant behavior would sour our budding friendship and I dare not do that. It should be noted, as a friend, that your porchlight could do with replacing. I can barely make it out in the evenings when you leave it on and care not for what troubles this could invite upon you from miscreants emboldened by its dimness.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
You only have yourself to blame for eliciting my anger. I have been on my utmost best behavior in our correspondence, yet you continue to think I jest. Again you discard my letter like it was not written with the heart and soul of one with noble intent upon building a strong relationship with you. I am insulted. As such I have elected to respond to your callous dismissal of my letters with a more aggressive delivery of this one. I do hope it did not startle you too greatly when it smacked against your window in delivery. My intent is not to do a mischief upon you but to simply express me intense displeasure at the insult you have done unto me. I fear I may have elected to use a more vibrant ink as well this time, though you might find red to be pretty. I see you have changed your bulb on your porch which does perhaps lessen my rage in that you at least have taken my kindness to heart on some level. Perhaps you are simply shy or unable to better express gratitude? In either case, I hope you are well and will be in touch again soon.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
I am delighted to see you have finally at least taken my interest in you more seriously. I know not why you thought to bother those men of uniform and law, for this is not their business. Still, I take it to heart that you do recognize my efforts even if in a curious manner. Are you that eager to know me that you would have sleuths seek me out? For that I rejoice! You make me so very happy to know that you have taken interest finally in my efforts to correspond with you. As a sign of my delight and favor, I took it upon myself to deal with that unfortunate matter between yourself and your landlord. The poor fellow was on the way out anyways, but I am happy to report that it was quick and uneventful in settling the matter. Do you like this letter's ink? I feel this latest batch is perhaps not as good, yet it still does a service that my pen has thus far managed to make use of it for our correspondence. I blame the age of the ink if my penmanship is more shoddy this time.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
I do not understand this newfound distress that seems to be consuming you. This really is not good for your health. I had already told you I settled matters with the landlord, I do not understand why you are so upset. The constables were also really uncalled for as I can assure you that your grounds are quite safe and secure. I have done my utmost as your friend to keep you safe. Why would I allow harm to come to my friend? You continued interest in my letters fills me with elation. Even now I am sure you are reading this with most rapt attention. Had I known that helping you more openly would have such a reaction, I would have done so from the beginning rather than simply keep a polite distance while we got to know one another. Considering your obvious desire to continue our correspondence, I will be acquiring more ink in short order.
With Regards,
Your Friend
P.S. Your neighbor is a rather nosy person. I would make it a point to draw you the curtains on that side more often. Should this rude behavior continue, I may have words with them.
Dear Friend,
Screaming really isn't good for your vocal cords. I do not grasp why you feel the need to. I am a bit upset and even saddened at the words you use towards me. I have done nothing but look out for you since our correspondence started. I feel like I am going to have to keep a closer watch upon you. I fear for you sanity at this point. The constables really have nothing more they can do. I also do not grasp why you are so upset with my acquiring more ink for my pen. You act like this is such a terrible thing yet you should worry not. I have a good store of ink for the moment to continue writing to you. As an aside from this, I have taken to checking the locks on your doors, for fear that your now more manic state has left you forgetful of your own safety. Know that I am looking out for you and that you are in good hands.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
What was that about? The priest was terribly rude. More so I feel he has spoiled the surprise that I have elected to take up residence with you. It seems only fair that I do so, considering my efforts on your behalf. I have tended to matters more for you with your neighbor. Know that they will not be peering into your home again anytime soon. Considering your distress at the landlord resolution, I have elected a more subtle approach. I do wonder what to do with my souvenirs I've acquired from them for this but I found a jar in your basement I believe will be most suitable for my needs. Rest assured I will replace it shortly as I am no thief. I would perhaps advise you to get a sleep study done. You do snore terribly so in fits and starts that even I wonder if you might cease breathing fully one day if sleep pattern continues. Do take care of yourself.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
You have hurt my feelings. I did not think I had offended you so as to try something like allowing the priest to insult me so. Banishment? I am beside myself with outrage. I forgive you but I realize I did lose my temper rather drastically. Now I have spilled ink all over your living room and that is quite messy. Hopefully it will come out of the carpet but it does stain rather badly if not handled in a timely manner. Perhaps the constables can help? I do see you have called them, though I do not know how they will be handling this. Perhaps it would be wise to take a moment and just take a deep breath? You really are under a lot of stress.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
Worry not, I will keep you company in the coming days. I am sorry to hear that you must be held for the time being. I do not understand why they cannot grasp that I was the one to act and not you. Perhaps it was all that ink all over your hands? Or your unfortunate breakdown before them when they arrived. I am annoyed they took my jar with my souvenirs in it. Those were hard won in teaching your neighbor the folly of spying upon others. I do not understand why your fingerprints have anything to do with a jar that was clearly mine. These doctors are most annoying as well, insisting I am simply some manifestation of yours. Perhaps I should find some means to correct this? Either way, I am running out of ink again, but I believe I have found a new supply to continue our correspondence. I feel this is all the more important in your time of need. Know that I am keeping an eye out for you.
With Regards,
Your Friend
How are you today? I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing you to introduce myself in the eager anticipation of our eventual meeting. You do not know me yet, but you will in time. I was thrilled to realize the opportunity we had to get to know one another before I arrive. There obviously will be many questions and I hope to answer them all in time. Simply know that I am eager for our correspondence to continue in the coming days. You need not worry about delivery charges for my letters. All matters are in motion and will not be interrupted.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
How are you today? I am notably cross with you discarding my previous letter as some sort of practical joke. I am not some child playing at games. I resisted the urge to respond more vigorously at this point, electing to instead send you a very strongly worded reprimand for the insult you do upon me. If you persist in dismissing my letters after this one, I will be forced to demonstrate my displeasure to you. That is something I would like to avoid as I believe we can be such very good friends. To mire that with something so childish as a reaction to your own petulant behavior would sour our budding friendship and I dare not do that. It should be noted, as a friend, that your porchlight could do with replacing. I can barely make it out in the evenings when you leave it on and care not for what troubles this could invite upon you from miscreants emboldened by its dimness.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
You only have yourself to blame for eliciting my anger. I have been on my utmost best behavior in our correspondence, yet you continue to think I jest. Again you discard my letter like it was not written with the heart and soul of one with noble intent upon building a strong relationship with you. I am insulted. As such I have elected to respond to your callous dismissal of my letters with a more aggressive delivery of this one. I do hope it did not startle you too greatly when it smacked against your window in delivery. My intent is not to do a mischief upon you but to simply express me intense displeasure at the insult you have done unto me. I fear I may have elected to use a more vibrant ink as well this time, though you might find red to be pretty. I see you have changed your bulb on your porch which does perhaps lessen my rage in that you at least have taken my kindness to heart on some level. Perhaps you are simply shy or unable to better express gratitude? In either case, I hope you are well and will be in touch again soon.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
I am delighted to see you have finally at least taken my interest in you more seriously. I know not why you thought to bother those men of uniform and law, for this is not their business. Still, I take it to heart that you do recognize my efforts even if in a curious manner. Are you that eager to know me that you would have sleuths seek me out? For that I rejoice! You make me so very happy to know that you have taken interest finally in my efforts to correspond with you. As a sign of my delight and favor, I took it upon myself to deal with that unfortunate matter between yourself and your landlord. The poor fellow was on the way out anyways, but I am happy to report that it was quick and uneventful in settling the matter. Do you like this letter's ink? I feel this latest batch is perhaps not as good, yet it still does a service that my pen has thus far managed to make use of it for our correspondence. I blame the age of the ink if my penmanship is more shoddy this time.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
I do not understand this newfound distress that seems to be consuming you. This really is not good for your health. I had already told you I settled matters with the landlord, I do not understand why you are so upset. The constables were also really uncalled for as I can assure you that your grounds are quite safe and secure. I have done my utmost as your friend to keep you safe. Why would I allow harm to come to my friend? You continued interest in my letters fills me with elation. Even now I am sure you are reading this with most rapt attention. Had I known that helping you more openly would have such a reaction, I would have done so from the beginning rather than simply keep a polite distance while we got to know one another. Considering your obvious desire to continue our correspondence, I will be acquiring more ink in short order.
With Regards,
Your Friend
P.S. Your neighbor is a rather nosy person. I would make it a point to draw you the curtains on that side more often. Should this rude behavior continue, I may have words with them.
Dear Friend,
Screaming really isn't good for your vocal cords. I do not grasp why you feel the need to. I am a bit upset and even saddened at the words you use towards me. I have done nothing but look out for you since our correspondence started. I feel like I am going to have to keep a closer watch upon you. I fear for you sanity at this point. The constables really have nothing more they can do. I also do not grasp why you are so upset with my acquiring more ink for my pen. You act like this is such a terrible thing yet you should worry not. I have a good store of ink for the moment to continue writing to you. As an aside from this, I have taken to checking the locks on your doors, for fear that your now more manic state has left you forgetful of your own safety. Know that I am looking out for you and that you are in good hands.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
What was that about? The priest was terribly rude. More so I feel he has spoiled the surprise that I have elected to take up residence with you. It seems only fair that I do so, considering my efforts on your behalf. I have tended to matters more for you with your neighbor. Know that they will not be peering into your home again anytime soon. Considering your distress at the landlord resolution, I have elected a more subtle approach. I do wonder what to do with my souvenirs I've acquired from them for this but I found a jar in your basement I believe will be most suitable for my needs. Rest assured I will replace it shortly as I am no thief. I would perhaps advise you to get a sleep study done. You do snore terribly so in fits and starts that even I wonder if you might cease breathing fully one day if sleep pattern continues. Do take care of yourself.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
You have hurt my feelings. I did not think I had offended you so as to try something like allowing the priest to insult me so. Banishment? I am beside myself with outrage. I forgive you but I realize I did lose my temper rather drastically. Now I have spilled ink all over your living room and that is quite messy. Hopefully it will come out of the carpet but it does stain rather badly if not handled in a timely manner. Perhaps the constables can help? I do see you have called them, though I do not know how they will be handling this. Perhaps it would be wise to take a moment and just take a deep breath? You really are under a lot of stress.
With Regards,
Your Friend
Dear Friend,
Worry not, I will keep you company in the coming days. I am sorry to hear that you must be held for the time being. I do not understand why they cannot grasp that I was the one to act and not you. Perhaps it was all that ink all over your hands? Or your unfortunate breakdown before them when they arrived. I am annoyed they took my jar with my souvenirs in it. Those were hard won in teaching your neighbor the folly of spying upon others. I do not understand why your fingerprints have anything to do with a jar that was clearly mine. These doctors are most annoying as well, insisting I am simply some manifestation of yours. Perhaps I should find some means to correct this? Either way, I am running out of ink again, but I believe I have found a new supply to continue our correspondence. I feel this is all the more important in your time of need. Know that I am keeping an eye out for you.
With Regards,
Your Friend