Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
True, true. Definitely need to explain every minute detail of the power, not just in her background,
r e i
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Character Critique Thread
- Thread starter welian
- Start date
r e i
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r e i
-- the lost king --
That is correct
Lemon Boy
~Brilliantly Bitter~
Alrighty, so I've already spotted a fair few problems with her just from a glimpse.
- Her health stat makes it so that she's better at taking damage than some of our Regenerators and Resilence characters, which makes absolutely no sense given her powers. These points should be removed from health. She'd have a 2 or 3 at most.
- Instead, these points should be allocated to both the energy & willpower stats. Energy would allow her to basically manipulate darkness and shadow, whilst willpower would allow her to exert control over it and maintain said control with some focus.
- Your powers make no sense whatsoever to me as of this moment. What do you mean by taking shadow into herself? and what can she actually do with shadows? Is she capable of manifesting them as physical blades or something? Nothing is really made clear with your description of the ability as of this time. Also It seems like you've given her multiple powers in one, I'd suggesting making her power more concise and giving her a more clear, singular capability for her Main power or something that meshes these all together.
- A giant no-no is the fact that she can seemingly "control" people through controlling their shadows. Remove this. It's bunnying, which isn't allowed.
- I'd like to see some more weaknesses added as well. Perhaps limit her to only being capable of manipulating shadows, so for instance, her power wouldn't work during the night or in full darkness because they're aren't any shadows for her to control, but too much light and she also won't have any shadows to make use of either.
Teh Frixz
That lady robot
She can control any form of darkness that is already there
Alright that's cool. But to what extent does that do? Darkness doesn't really have anything in it to 'hurt' or affect anything. Turning out the lights doesn't cause physical harm to people outside solar panels.
and has control over shadows and can do shadowing jumping meaning she can travel in the dark zone, or so she called it. She can go anywhere she knows or she get jump somewhere she doesn't but it is dangerous that way.
This is better and I'd suggest focusing on this. Scrap the darkness 'zone' completely and focus on traveling between shadows like a shadow based portal gun. I don't think it makes sense that she can teleport anywhere she goes as shadows tend to change location based on the sun. For instance, if a workman set up a floodlight in a spot she uses to teleport to as a safety net, how could she know that there isn't shadow there now? Take out non knowing teleportation and go with visual range maybe?
She can control shadows of people,
No she can't unless the person is an NPC under her control or give explicit consent
but it's very important that she keeps focus during that and cannot be disrupted.
Why is this important? If she loses control over a shadow it should just snap back to being a regular shadow. Shadows and darkness are not sentient nor able to do things outside of being dark.
She can take any form of darkness into her self but it's dangerous and can kill her so it's a last resort.
What does this mean? Forms of darkness? There isn't such thing as a darkness energy realm and there really isn't power to be harnessed within it. You'd just be absorbing an absence of light. How is this dangerous and what does it accomplish?
She can also make it dark but again it's a huge drain of her energy so she barely uses it
Confused by this also. If she's absorbing the shadow of a brick wall, the natural state of that shadow is to exist. When she stops using her powers it will be dark again.
Limitations:
Alright that's cool. But to what extent does that do? Darkness doesn't really have anything in it to 'hurt' or affect anything. Turning out the lights doesn't cause physical harm to people outside solar panels.
and has control over shadows and can do shadowing jumping meaning she can travel in the dark zone, or so she called it. She can go anywhere she knows or she get jump somewhere she doesn't but it is dangerous that way.
This is better and I'd suggest focusing on this. Scrap the darkness 'zone' completely and focus on traveling between shadows like a shadow based portal gun. I don't think it makes sense that she can teleport anywhere she goes as shadows tend to change location based on the sun. For instance, if a workman set up a floodlight in a spot she uses to teleport to as a safety net, how could she know that there isn't shadow there now? Take out non knowing teleportation and go with visual range maybe?
She can control shadows of people,
No she can't unless the person is an NPC under her control or give explicit consent
but it's very important that she keeps focus during that and cannot be disrupted.
Why is this important? If she loses control over a shadow it should just snap back to being a regular shadow. Shadows and darkness are not sentient nor able to do things outside of being dark.
She can take any form of darkness into her self but it's dangerous and can kill her so it's a last resort.
What does this mean? Forms of darkness? There isn't such thing as a darkness energy realm and there really isn't power to be harnessed within it. You'd just be absorbing an absence of light. How is this dangerous and what does it accomplish?
She can also make it dark but again it's a huge drain of her energy so she barely uses it
Confused by this also. If she's absorbing the shadow of a brick wall, the natural state of that shadow is to exist. When she stops using her powers it will be dark again.
- Shadow Manipulation: Can control shadows and travel in shadows but only once or twice or she passes out.
Limitations:
- i don't have limitless energy you know: She has to be fully rested before using any of her powers or she will past out and some powers she can only use once or twice before they use up all of her energy.
- i can't make darkness: she can only use darkness manipulation when she has darkness, around her
- not too far away ok?: she can't use her powers after she's about 80 ft away. So she must be closer to be of any use except transportation.
r e i
-- the lost king --
I know it's bunnying unless you ask, but before each post that I would make using that power. I would ask the character maker, I wouldn't just control their character without their permission. That is rude and very mean. Even if there was 20 people I had to ask, I would. I know that makes things very complicated for me but I like this power so I will do the work required to use that power and I wouldn't use that power that often.
It's a huge drain on energy, this is the new explanation
She has control over shadows and can do shadowing jumping meaning she can travel in the dark zone, or so she called it. She can go anywhere she knows or she gets jump somewhere she doesn't but it is dangerous that way. She can control shadows of people meaning she basically controls their body by use of her body but it's very important that she keeps focus during that and cannot be disrupted. If she is, she could lose control over the person she's currently stopping. What's she is doing is basically joining her shadow with theirs. Meaning she is becoming their shadow. Every she does, they do, she is basically flowing her energy through them which is a huge drain on energy basically taking her out of the fight, which is why she only uses this power as a last resort. She can also form whatever shape from shadows either it is a wall or a weird little human like thing.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
It's not really a choice to have a power that can bunny other players here, IIRC. It's against RPing rules, therefore it's not allowed. We can't have the entire RP slowing to a halt because we're stuck waiting on you to get permission from everybody in a scene.
r e i
-- the lost king --
Ok, then I'll change it. Not a problem.
r e i
-- the lost king --
How about now? I changed some things around.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
- The health is still way too high and without explanation as to why it's so high.
- You've yet to address my comment about her weight. She's 19 years old and at the height of 5'7". Weighing 170 Ibs means her body type would not be slim. For someone at that age and height, the average healthy weight is around 140 Ibs. Slim would be below average weight.
- There are still minor grammatical errors scattered about such as lack of proper capitalization or unnecessary capitalization, lack of comma usage, spelling errors, "She gets angry, really bad" is oddly phrased and might sound better as "She gets really angry", etc. Again, I would suggest reading it thoroughly and cleaning up these minor mistakes.
- The history still has her controlling her boyfriend's shadow, which is bunnying and not in line with her powers anymore. That needs to be corrected to something else that gives away her power. Seeing a shadow moving on its own is still freaky to normal people.
- Shadow teleporting / jumping: You still are saying she can go anywhere with the shadow travel, but it was strongly suggested she can only use this form of travel by sight. As in, she'd have to see the shadow she wants to travel to. There's no explanation for how she'd be able to find a shadow without seeing it, as it has been explained that there is no shadowy world for her to travel through in this manner. You mention her 'hopefully' being dropped off near her desired destination, but the power is supposed to be 100% confident when described in your CS, so there should be no 'hopeful's. Either she can get to her exact destination, or she can't.
- Shadow forming still lacks a proper explanation as to what it is or what she can do with the shadows she forms.
- Also, it's noted that you only get TWO supporting powers, not three. You need to choose two of the three you've listed to stick with.
- Honestly, I would suggest dropping the adaptation supporting power, as it's not nearly as useful as the other two.
- It should also be noted that you explain shadow teleporting as her main power, but then list it again as a supporting power. Might want to just make that her primary power to begin with.
- The resting limitation has been mentioned as overused and it's very true that many of us do not keep up with actually resting our characters. It might help to get creative here and think of something else.
r e i
-- the lost king --
- wasn't done with the health. I had a little problem with the code. It's now 2
- I didn't see the comment about her weight, I'm sorry. That have been fixed.
- Grammar is one of my weakest subjects so it's gonna take me a minute to look through all that and get it all good. Again sorry.
- fixed that, sorry missed it.
- the one problem I have with this, is where is she gonna to see a shadow while she's traveling in a shadow. And how she is gonna to get to the shadow when she cannot teleport without a shadow. Even if she sees it, it's useless without getting to it. Which is why I have the thing about unknowing where she's gonna end up or she thinks of a location and her power drops her off at the nearest shadow by her location.
Like so - She thinks of location A as she uses her power -> She gets to the nearest shadow near location A
- Oh yea sorry, will add more.
- it is kinda useful because it could be night when she gets sent out for mission. Or the bad guy could have knocked out all the lights. She has the power to see without having goggles or anything. No extra gear to take.
- shadow teleporting has been noted is main power and is gone from supporting.
- working on something else.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
- There is little logic to your current explanation in my opinion.
She needs to see the shadows before she teleports. Not while she is teleporting. The process is done after she decides where she is going. There's no logical way for her to see the shadows after the process has begun because there is no alternate plane of existence that she travels to during this process. She has to become a shadow in order to travel through them and by doing this, she uses them like bridges in a sense, or even portals.
Also, you've missed my point about the hypothetical locations. You might want to reread that part because you're still arguing for your point, which I already disputed. While it makes sense that she needs to first reach a shadow to use for her teleporting purposes, it doesn't make sense to me that she would teleport and not know 100% where she's headed.
As we have explained, your character could suck at this IC and end up in the wrong place all the time for lack of control over their power. But for the CS purposes, you need to write her power as if she's a friggin' badass with it. Well, as badass as a C Rank can be with their powers.
- I can understand that. With the teleporting properly incorporated as the main power and no longer as a supporting power, it's okay to keep it.
r e i
-- the lost king --
What if with her power, she can see the shadow without being there before. She can hypothetically see the shadow she wants to go to. What if her power literally connected her with shadows? Would that be ok?
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
This lacks logic behind it. There's no alternate world for her to see these shadows through. She can only physically see them in the real world. If she doesn't see the shadow before she teleports, then she can't teleport to it.
Anyways, if you won't budge on this matter, I'll just leave it up to the character committee to decide if they want to dispute it or accept it.
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Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
r e i
Also, your limiter is the wrong rank. Level 3 is for an A Rank character. Yours should be at Level 1 now that your character is a C Rank.
Teh Frixz
That lady robot
If it's just teleporting, why is there a need for the shadow stuff
r e i
-- the lost king --
no i'm just wondering how to word her power, I mean I see your point on the matter and I don't want to be there any issue about my character not going through. Plus you all are very good at critqued because I can see, my character is better by learning from my mistakes
Just is, it's an apart of shadow manipulation plus it's a cool power and one that I learned about in different books, comics, and mangas. Which is why I wanted to try to work it in my character plus I have spoken with your GM before trying any of this and she said that the power was ok.
I'm just having trouble wording it the way I want to. I am really bad at grouping my thoughts and writing them down. It's my fault.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
I literally keep telling you what to say. It's getting a bit annoying to have to repeat myself this many times so I'll just leave this one to the character committee. They're going to critique your CS again anyways. I'm not on the CC, so I was just nitpicking it based on what I could see.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Oh, but one more thing,
r e i
, you still haven't adjusted your character's weight. The body type along with age, height, and weight doesn't make sense. I have also explained this multiple times to you.
r e i
, you still haven't adjusted your character's weight. The body type along with age, height, and weight doesn't make sense. I have also explained this multiple times to you.
r e i
-- the lost king --
Oh, but one more thing,
That's because I'm still editing. I have been editing all night, none of it has been saved yet. I'm working on the grammar
You seem to have misunderstood what her power is and I wasn't clear on what her power is so it's again my fault. She isn't teleporting to a shadow, she is traveling through them. Like she becomes a shadow herself, which is why I had the word dark zone, it's basically a void zone. There's nothing but darkness. Through the shadow, she becomes, she can travel through to different shadows. She goes into a shadow becoming a shadow, and then travels to a shadow of her choice. It's never the same shadow but it's still gets her where she needs to go.
Like if she wanted to go to Peru, she goes to a shadows uses her power and goes to a shadow that is in Peru. Her mind isn't on the shadow, it's the location. Which is not logical of course, but neither is water bending or what she is doing which is shadow bending. I just call it Shadow Manipulation, makes it sound less Avatar.
I'm not trying to be rude. Nor am I trying to sound like a smart aleck. I'm just trying to join a rp that is really cool and I know that it's tiring to keep repeating yourself. I'm just trying to understand
Teh Frixz
That lady robot
It is a cool power but we've got to work on the wording so we reach a point where it makes sense in our game here. I think I see where you are going though and I know we can get it to work. How does this sound?
Kai has control over shadows and the ability to subsume herself within them, only to be able to emerge in any location currently shrouded in darkness. If a location is lit up with light, that location becomes inaccessible. Locations that she can enter and exit from must be known locations. Long distance or broad location jumps are possible but is extremely dangerous as the emerging shadow would be an unknown location. She can also manipulate the shadows cast by inanimate objects as well as her own shadow. These manipulations act and behave as regular shadow but provide locations and spots to rapidly jump back and forth from. Adapted to life in the darkness, she retains normal levels of vision in complete darkness.
r e i
-- the lost king --
Thank you, that is exactly what I was trying to explain. thank you.
Teh Frixz
That lady robot
You are welcome. For the record, I'm also a GM for this game and the Users Giyari, St. Sin, Gus, and Kinghink are all members of the Character Creation Committee. Along with the third GM, we vote on and approve character sheets. Feel free to contact the members of the (CCC) for help if you need it.
r e i
-- the lost king --
How is it now? And can anyone help me with the grammar I was trying to fix it as much I could?
Added more to shadow forming, and added a new weakness.
Added more to shadow forming, and added a new weakness.
welian
#BlackLivesMatter
Frixz is right - it was easier to see in the old HP system where member roles could be set up, but the roleplay crew is just as she described.
My spring break ended so I need to keep taking notes in class, but I would worry about grammar after you get the powers sorted out. Remember, the more narrow and simple, the better suited for this roleplay the power is. Instead of vague limitations such as getting tired, consider limitations such as distance, or light available. I have a character from a fantasy RP with a very similar power, and she was not able to "shadow step" (as I called it) on cloudy days, because the shadows were not dark or defined enough.
My spring break ended so I need to keep taking notes in class, but I would worry about grammar after you get the powers sorted out. Remember, the more narrow and simple, the better suited for this roleplay the power is. Instead of vague limitations such as getting tired, consider limitations such as distance, or light available. I have a character from a fantasy RP with a very similar power, and she was not able to "shadow step" (as I called it) on cloudy days, because the shadows were not dark or defined enough.
Teh Frixz
That lady robot
My issue is that shadows in of themselves are not weapons or solid. Shadows are not energy. The shadow jumping concept works because that operates as a cool stealthy doorway with a neat utilitarian quirk of being able to do different things with different shadow shapes.
Shadow Forming: can form what she can out of shadows/ It can be a shield or a shadow human [ what she calls them ] that she can use to defend herself or attack. She could also form weapons if she wishes. It costs her more energy to form weapons so she doesn't use it usually.
I would honestly scrap that concept all together for this RP. Darkness and shadow weapons might work in some games but you'd have a hard time putting it past the CCC, I'm telling you right now I'd probably vote no on that. It makes no sense as this is a bit more 'realistic' of a RP. There is no such thing as 'darkness energy' or 'shadow realms', the only thing I could see working is that she could 'pull' shadows off walls and such and use them as shields in the sense that the part of her body being shielded is no longer there and the attack goes right through her. Sort of a shielding by hiding ability.
Plus all that counteracts with your limitations
can't control darkness: she and darkness are like oil and water. She cannot control it nor can she even think to try. Shadows are all she can control and she is useless in the total dark except for stealth since her adaptable power makes it so that she can easily move around without making a sound.
I think this is a rough choice of limitation. Obviously she's controlling darkness. Shadows are literally just areas where light is blocked by opaque objects. Again there is no such thing as 'darkness energy' or 'shadow realm'. There is nothing to 'control' in a sense, her powers would be dependent on the position of the sun and if people around her had flashlights or lighters.
The shadow forming/weapons should be scrapped and focus should be on the shadow jumping and manipulation. The attacking powers seem more suited to a Manga or Mortal Kombat.
Shadow Forming: can form what she can out of shadows/ It can be a shield or a shadow human [ what she calls them ] that she can use to defend herself or attack. She could also form weapons if she wishes. It costs her more energy to form weapons so she doesn't use it usually.
I would honestly scrap that concept all together for this RP. Darkness and shadow weapons might work in some games but you'd have a hard time putting it past the CCC, I'm telling you right now I'd probably vote no on that. It makes no sense as this is a bit more 'realistic' of a RP. There is no such thing as 'darkness energy' or 'shadow realms', the only thing I could see working is that she could 'pull' shadows off walls and such and use them as shields in the sense that the part of her body being shielded is no longer there and the attack goes right through her. Sort of a shielding by hiding ability.
Plus all that counteracts with your limitations
can't control darkness: she and darkness are like oil and water. She cannot control it nor can she even think to try. Shadows are all she can control and she is useless in the total dark except for stealth since her adaptable power makes it so that she can easily move around without making a sound.
I think this is a rough choice of limitation. Obviously she's controlling darkness. Shadows are literally just areas where light is blocked by opaque objects. Again there is no such thing as 'darkness energy' or 'shadow realm'. There is nothing to 'control' in a sense, her powers would be dependent on the position of the sun and if people around her had flashlights or lighters.
The shadow forming/weapons should be scrapped and focus should be on the shadow jumping and manipulation. The attacking powers seem more suited to a Manga or Mortal Kombat.