Character Critique Thread

@SweetNicole


You have to have 500 Posts before being able to make proper use of HTML, which the profile makes use of.


There's no real way to fix it unfortunately. :(


I'll get to looking them over and reviewing them soon!
 
Alright, so after seeing something somewhere about the need for more students, I've done a crazy thing in a fit of sudden inspiration and shifted MAINFRAME's backstory at the tail end to a reflect a new destination! Facility 108's front door! Also, I changed one of it's personality traits (from patient to curious) after deciding to take the character a slightly different direction after some recent discussion OOC.


Mention me if you notice anything out of place.
 
St Stare said:
@SweetNicole


You have to have 500 Posts before being able to make proper use of HTML, which the profile makes use of.


There's no real way to fix it unfortunately. :(


I'll get to looking them over and reviewing them soon!
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We can have a GM fix it for you later on when your character gets accepted, worry not! >w<
 
SweetNicole said:
Looking for feedback on 




I'm not sure what happened to the style as I copy/pasted the formatting then posted, and it came out looking like that. 


I endeavored to make her a rank D, although I could have easily bumped her up to something much higher ranked. For her backstory, I added a bit of a flair/secret that should be fun to play around with. I tried to make her childhood as realistic as possible, although it might have become slightly too upbeat towards the end. I'm going to let her evolve naturally, but my initial impressions of the character are that she may end up turning away from acting for more meaningful work or finding a passion that she keeps with her. The challenge for the character will be finding ways for her to "win" given the low ability of her powers, but with her acting and diplomatic preference, I think I gave her enough tools to succeed in those situations.
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Neat power. Interesting background too. Role should be 'student' not actress, but i liked how you work aspiring actress into student by requiring a blue card for 'research' 


Clever. :-)


A power suggestion: Maybe she can grow the hair but not pull it back? If it can be cut, she could cut it to make it shorter, but it makes for an interesting cosmetic situation since it is strong as steel, so that leads to interesting problems.  Pulling it back seems deeply weird to me. Where does it go? Forming new hair is one thing, storing created hair… in her head? I have questions… 


For personality, I don't see 'face value' as fitting what you are describing… Maybe shallow? But that's pejorative, better for negative trait. Superficial? 


Salt of the earth? Flighty? Unquestioning? Incurious?  The description needs a little work to be honest. I kinda get where you are coming from, but it is a little muddled.


Negative trait works, but maybe a different keyword? Scheming, Machiavellian, unscrupulous, calculating?


The other two are ok I think. Maybe a slight tweak to reserved: if her true self is dog eat dog, maybe she doesn't share that with friends? Maybe rather with frienemies who she thinks are just as conniving as she is, and who can be temporary allies? In my experience people who think like that don't acquire close friends. Partners in crime maybe, but not friends so much as people who haven't yet found it convenient to backstab.


History is nifty. I like the gender bending. Maybe make more of that though, and gloss over the details of existentialism? CS seems an odd place for a philosophy lesson. (or so I was told, helpfully, on my second character.) You don't need to explain existentialism, Just Live It! ;-)
 
DamagedGlasses said:
Alright, so after seeing something somewhere about the need for more students, I've done a crazy thing in a fit of sudden inspiration and shifted MAINFRAME's backstory at the tail end to a reflect a new destination! Facility 108's front door! Also, I changed one of it's personality traits (from patient to curious) after deciding to take the character a slightly different direction after some recent discussion OOC.


Mention me if you notice anything out of place.
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Liking the new direction!  Welcome to 108 all y'all! :-)


One thing odd: Manipulative is placed in the 'positive trait' slot. Maybe put curious there instead? (or possibly discreet)  It is not so bad as to be a second negative; greed definitely takes that spot, but it is not spun as positive, as far as i can see?


Given that you are not necessarily going for full blown villain right away, but more of a 'innocent' mind teetering on the brink of maybe villainy, because 'why not?' perhaps you could streamline the history a bit? I get why it tends toward bloat; it is the nature of the character.  But if you are going to seek a blue card, maybe you don't have to kill the one family and do the whole search party thing and then you ALSO don't have to explain how you got the families BACK in touch so that you can have PT conferences and such like.  Maybe instead just have the still naive MAINFRAME entity manipulate job market to move all five families to baltimore. Surely child's play right?


Seems like that could streamline it a lot.  
 
Gus said:
Liking the new direction!  Welcome to 108 all y'all! :-)


One thing odd: Manipulative is placed in the 'positive trait' slot. Maybe put curious there instead? (or possibly discreet)  It is not so bad as to be a second negative; greed definitely takes that spot, but it is not spun as positive, as far as i can see?


Given that you are not necessarily going for full blown villain right away, but more of a 'innocent' mind teetering on the brink of maybe villainy, because 'why not?' perhaps you could streamline the history a bit? I get why it tends toward bloat; it is the nature of the character.  But if you are going to seek a blue card, maybe you don't have to kill the one family and do the whole search party thing and then you ALSO don't have to explain how you got the families BACK in touch so that you can have PT conferences and such like.  Maybe instead just have the still naive MAINFRAME entity manipulate job market to move all five families to baltimore. Surely child's play right?


Seems like that could streamline it a lot.  
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I like that "job market" idea. Also, I see what you mean with Manipulative not being the prime positive or a simple negative. 


When I get the time, I'll play around with MAINFRAME's background in a google doc and see if I can't make it less wordy. When I was doing the initial editing for MAINFRAME, a part of me wanted to change the murder, but I was hesitant since I didn't want to accidentally change to much. You bring up good points though, so I'll see what I can do. Thanks o wo)-b
 
Gus said:
Neat power. Interesting background too. Role should be 'student' not actress, but i liked how you work aspiring actress into student by requiring a blue card for 'research' 


Clever. :-)


A power suggestion: Maybe she can grow the hair but not pull it back? If it can be cut, she could cut it to make it shorter, but it makes for an interesting cosmetic situation since it is strong as steel, so that leads to interesting problems.  Pulling it back seems deeply weird to me. Where does it go? Forming new hair is one thing, storing created hair… in her head? I have questions… 


For personality, I don't see 'face value' as fitting what you are describing… Maybe shallow? But that's pejorative, better for negative trait. Superficial? 


Salt of the earth? Flighty? Unquestioning? Incurious?  The description needs a little work to be honest. I kinda get where you are coming from, but it is a little muddled.


Negative trait works, but maybe a different keyword? Scheming, Machiavellian, unscrupulous, calculating?


The other two are ok I think. Maybe a slight tweak to reserved: if her true self is dog eat dog, maybe she doesn't share that with friends? Maybe rather with frienemies who she thinks are just as conniving as she is, and who can be temporary allies? In my experience people who think like that don't acquire close friends. Partners in crime maybe, but not friends so much as people who haven't yet found it convenient to backstab.


History is nifty. I like the gender bending. Maybe make more of that though, and gloss over the details of existentialism? CS seems an odd place for a philosophy lesson. (or so I was told, helpfully, on my second character.) You don't need to explain existentialism, Just Live It! ;-)





5
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They don't literally get stored inside of her head as hair, the best way to describe is that her hair follicles can take break down hair while they're pulling it, deconstructing it down to basic building blocks of energy needed for cell division for the growth phase. Imagine there's a bunch of tiny little mouths for her hair follicles that can eat all her hair and break it apart. 


I don't know that there is a better way to describe it than face-value. Shallow would not be the correct word, as it implies she doesn't see depth. She sees depth, but she's not going to spend hours agonizing over if her initial read was correct. A man might do some action, perhaps hold the door for you, and then you spend the next day in your mind agonizing over whether or not it did or didn't mean anything. For Victoria, she reads it like this: The man held the door open for me; It was a sign of affection; It meant something; then moves on under that assumption. Once she gets the initial read, she doesn't deviate from it unless presented with new information or details.


I think opportunistic is fit for a negative word.


 






  1. exploiting chances offered by immediate circumstances without reference to a general plan or moral principle.
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Unscrupulous implies she always acts without moral principles, which isn't true. She might see the opportunity to steal a woman's purse, for example, but then gives that money to someone in need she passes on the street later. She simply takes advantage of opportunities as they present themselves. She didn't plan on taking the woman's purse, it just so happened that fate aligned to give her such an opportunity. She didn't have any plans on what to do after she got the money. It wasn't until she saw the person in need that she decided that was how she was going to use the money. That's not to say that she doesn't always have a plan, but that most of the time she seizes the opportunity quickly without having one when she steps into action. Say there's a big bad guy they're fighting, and it just so happens that she has a wrench and that the guy's turned away from her, so she decides that given the opportunity she is going to smack him up the head with the wrench. It might knock him out or it might just piss him off and send him after her. She didn't really have a plan that far ahead other than, hey, I have a wrench, I'm behind him, let's hit him. 


I think she has true friends, people she wouldn't backstab or act upon them even if the opportunity presented itself. Just because she has an opportunistic nature doesn't mean that she has to take every opportunity presented in front of her. She may value not taking the opportunity more than the consequences of taking it. Just because her friend is standing a ledge doesn't mean she's going to push her friend off and try and kill her.


I can simply mention existentialism and remove the explanation. I'll delve a bit more into the transition as well.
 
SweetNicole said:
. Shallow would not be the correct word, as it implies she doesn't see depth. She sees depth, but she's not going to spend hours agonizing over if her initial read was correct. A man might do some action, perhaps hold the door for you, and then you spend the next day in your mind agonizing over whether or not it did or didn't mean anything. For Victoria, she reads it like this: The man held the door open for me; It was a sign of affection; It meant something; then moves on under that assumption. Once she gets the initial read, she doesn't deviate from it unless presented with new information or details.
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I hear you. And I have the perfect word for that: Straightforward.
 
Alright, they say third time is a charm. This CS is extensively re-written.  For those of you who have given previous critiques (For which, thank you!) take a look at the third and fourth paragraphs of the history and the second supporting power in particular. I also added a new limitation.


For those who have NOT looked at my Kate, check this version out!  I sweat a lot over the wording of many little things here (though it is approaching midnight and I would not swear haven't missed a few glaring errors in grammar or spelling)  I am really pleased with this version of the character.


Thanks in particular to @Teh Frixz for pushing me to do better on this. I think she is tighter for it. 


I also got a face claim, and if anybody can photoshop that symbol onto that shirt, I will be so very very happy and impressed!

Janus.png

Tao.jpg
 
For your enjoyment, I present Julie Scotts. Let me know if you see anything wrong or in need of correction.




Edit: Almost forgot, thanks to @Gus for his help in proofing the concept and development of the character.
 
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@Yunn@Nick Ton Cutter Make sure you edit your thread titles to follow the format next time you're online. : ) I frequently use alphabetical sort on threads to locate and keep track of character sheets, so it's important to make sure that everyone puts their character's surname first in the thread title.
 
  • @Lioness075 Since Lara was approved, you've got one CCP left. You'll need more CCP before Falarion and Scarlet join the fray, but hopefully that shouldn't be an issue with so many people contributing to the RP.
  • @KingHink I would LOVE to add a point to Salem's approval score, but you've still not finished his profile.
  • @too much idea As previously mentioned, Naran has too many supporting powers (the maximum is 2), so tag me again once you've revised her powers.
  • @Gus List time!


    Regarding the Glacier, since he's an S-rank I think you should add a bit more detail to his character sheet overall, or maybe tone him down to an A rank.
  • For Kate, I suggest using a word other than "Bipolar" to describe her mood swings. Just out of respect for those of us with legitimate mental health disorders, okay? And what's the deal with Orion? The voices in her head? As the GM, I need to know, because I've had to put my foot down on powers before that relied on aliens or mysticism as an explanation when the RP setting explains how powers are explained and interpreted in the Aegis world. Furthermore, supporting powers must directly support main powers. Flight and/or teleportation would be a main power in and of itself. Right now, I can't accept Kate. I feel she's too disorganized and not streamlined enough to fit into Aegis.
  • On the other hand, Lars is much better as a villain. Or even not a villain, he just works much better as a character who doesn't need a perfect chain of events in the RP in order for him to be remotely useful in the role you've created for him. I approve of this version of Lars.
  • John Dee: Plz stop throwing in joke characters. Plz. ilu, but plx. Either hide the thread so as to not set a poor example for incoming players, or go balls to the wall with a proper character sheet.

[*]@simj22 Don't forget to throw Jamie's history back in!

[*]@DamagedGlasses Since you have two characters...


  • Mainframe is bae! I remember them from Oasis, and I'm looking forward to watching you play five children as one entity again. However, not enough other players from the Character Committee have okay'd Mainframe, so they're still in limbo.
  • Max is also interesting. Since I know you as an RPer, I'll willing to let you play around with a metapower, especially since you've put so many limitations in place. However, his CS is too unfinished for me to accept at this time.

[*]@DeKay A couple of things with Pritchard:


  • His history doesn't clearly state how he is relevant to the rest of the story.
  • If he has a power, he must also have a superpower section. Since he is only listed as a D-rank, he doesn't need any supporting powers, but he still needs at least three weaknesses.
  • You're going to need to consolidate that list of augmentations, it looks crazy OP even next to supers, because it's just so damn long.
  • Because he has both a superpower AND crazy cybernetics, you're going to need to produce a list of weaknesses exclusive to the augmentations as well.
  • Seriously, who is he working for and why is he in the RP? Why is he in Baltimore? How will he interact with Facility 108?

[*]@SweetNicole You might have to revise a few tiny details in the history, only because Facility 108 is not the only Aegis-operated training facility, nor is Aegis the only business that offers superpower training. Some players don't realize that, and it would be a disservice to allow a player to continue with a character who's backstory could be unraveled with "Well, why didn't they just go to a facility closer to home?". Julie's powers are pretty good, however, I think since her powers are an homage to Wasp and Ant-man, that her main power should be, like, "Apoidea Physiology" or something. Strictly speaking, there's nothing about growing insect wings or having stinging powers that is directly related to shrinking powers. So, you could either drop the bug theme entirely and settle for normal shrinking powers, or rearrange her powers a little bit and make the argument that shrinking is a subset of bee/wasp powers.

[*]@Yunn I see your character thread, just tag me when she's closer to completion.

[*]@Nick Ton Cutter Reading the first draft, it sounds has though you have a few different powers in mind and just haven't yet settled on one.


  • "Each touch at a living things cause nightmares and destabilize it's mind for a moment" Sounds like touch-based Fear Manipulation, which is a pretty cool power to work with.
  • "Ignis also absorb fear and anger around him, reinforcing his own endurance and strength." Or, perhaps, a unique form of empathy that allows him to absorb other people's negative emotions and turn it into physical strength boosts for himself? That would be very useful in a combat situation when everyone is scared for their life or ready to kill.
  • His supporting power, i mistook at first for generating weapons (so it would benefit from being rewritten a touch to be clearer), but it works very nicely with the Emotion Absorption power, if you choose to go that route.
  • The side effects listed will need to be moved to the Limitations sections - generally, the more limitations added to the power, the better, as it means you're willing to set limits on your characters powers and not be a power-player.
 
welian said:
  • Regarding the Glacier, since he's an S-rank I think you should add a bit more detail to his character sheet overall, or maybe tone him down to an A rank.
  • For Kate, I suggest using a word other than "Bipolar" to describe her mood swings. Just out of respect for those of us with legitimate mental health disorders, okay? And what's the deal with Orion? The voices in her head? As the GM, I need to know, because I've had to put my foot down on powers before that relied on aliens or mysticism as an explanation when the RP setting explains how powers are explained and interpreted in the Aegis world. Furthermore, supporting powers must directly support main powers. Flight and/or teleportation would be a main power in and of itself. Right now, I can't accept Kate. I feel she's too disorganized and not streamlined enough to fit into Aegis.
  • On the other hand, Lars is much better as a villain. Or even not a villain, he just works much better as a character who doesn't need a perfect chain of events in the RP in order for him to be remotely useful in the role you've created for him. I approve of this version of Lars.
  • John Dee: Plz stop throwing in joke characters. Plz. ilu, but plx. Either hide the thread so as to not set a poor example for incoming players, or go balls to the wall with a proper character sheet.
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Sorry for the confusion about John Dee and Roger. They are not joke characters, they are the villains at the casino. I thought it might be helpful to post their CSs as some concerns were expressed about power playing among the villains. Perhaps the new characters thread was not the best place. Maybe as a spoiler in the IC posts? I dunno. I promise not to do it again. I would hide them or delete them but I don't know how. I am old, and tired and a little tipsy maybe. And definitely not tech savvy.


Glad you like the new Lars. Perhaps I will bring him in on a mission if I can get a few more votes for him.


Kate… Oh, katekatekatekate. Kiss me kate for we shall be married on sunday! Wait, that's from the musical. Whatever.


I could as easily quote from "10 things I hate about you."


So. Clarified the hell out of Orion. DEFINITELY NOT AN ALIEN. Gave his reasons for claiming that but confided in Kate that that is bullshit he made up.


Switched out 'bipolar' with 'mercurial'. Sorry about the word choice. Shouldn't have gone there. Knew better.


Further clarified the nature of her powers as sciencey and not mystical. Her circulatory system has been invaded by nervous tissue which acts as conduit for the psychic forces. Tied this to the 'voices' which she suspects are just subconscious parts of her mind developing in the extra nervous tissue. Like when an epilepsy patient has the operation to sever the corpus collosum they sometimes develop differing personalities in the two hemispheres of the brain.  I don't go into too much detail because it is not my field and she is no expert either, but that is a plausible source of 'voices' growing extra nerve tissue all through your body could do A LOT of weird things.


For powers I dropped teleportation. She only flies and only in the daytime.  This fits with her being slightly weaker at night than in the daytime when the sun can charge her up.  For the supporting powers I split her nighttime attack mode from daytime attack mode. That is about as 'two sides of the arch' as I can imagine. The first supporting power is the white dot in the black comma, and it is from the residual charge of the light in her 'blood.' The second supporting power is is the black dot in the white comma, and it is the psychic shadow getting so riled up by the sun that it bleeds out of her skin. 


Lastly there is some symbolism going on here that I quite like: Janus is a Roman god. What is less well known is the use of the 'yin-yang' symbol may pre-date the chinese use of it as it appeared on some bucklers found in ancient greece and rome. She is a hero of the light with a darkness in her. Or is she a creature of the night with a spark of good? Either way, I hope I have clarified that the symbolism is not the source of the power. Totally comic book science. 


I hope you agree. I really really like the way she came out. She was just supposed to be for a prompt. But she speaks to me. I want to give her voice. 


Thanks for putting up with another crazy ramble...


-Gus
 
@welian With regards to the backstory, her primary motivation for traveling to Baltimore to Facility 108 is two-fold. Number one, it's a fair distance away from the rest of her family, namely her mother and siblings. Second, it's the facility mentioned in the card from the being who saved her, Urial Ursler, who told her to come that facility if she ever wanted to make something of herself. Yes, she could technically go to any AEGIS facility, but the only reason she's even considering joining AEGIS at all is because of Urial, and while she can't immediately find out who the person was who saved her, by sticking around, checking it out, and trying to "make something of herself" she might eventually learn who exactly it is and be able to repay them. 


I'm of the same mind with you. I've gone ahead and modified the primary power to be Apoidea Physiology. I love that word by the way. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do bee or wasp or something else, and that's the perfect comprise. Those edits have been applied you have suggested have been applied.


And yeah, I'm a sucker for the classics. Ant-Man and Wasp have some of the coolest powers in comics books to date that are not blatantly overpowered. 
 
Gus said:
Sorry for the confusion about John Dee and Roger. They are not joke characters, they are the villains at the casino. I thought it might be helpful to post their CSs as some concerns were expressed about power playing among the villains. Perhaps the new characters thread was not the best place. Maybe as a spoiler in the IC posts? I dunno. I promise not to do it again. I would hide them or delete them but I don't know how. I am old, and tired and a little tipsy maybe. And definitely not tech savvy.





 






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Capture.JPG


There should be a "hide" option in the drop-down menu. Warning, it's permanent and cannot be undone so make sure you have any info you need stored in Private Workshop or elsewhere.


E: @welian I just threw in a new limitation regarding reverting forms in a confined space. I was debating if I wanted to do it or not, but I like the idea that it's possible for her to get stuck in a mini-prison cell so to speak.
 
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@Nick Ton Cutter Alrighty, not much to work with at the moment but I'll see what I can get started on reviewing!

  • My first suggestion would be to possibly clean up the wording of the superpower section. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to actually understand what his powers are or how they work because of this. From what I can see though, I would definitely agree with Welian in that you could probably try streamlining his powers and going for one solid concept. Also, this isn't much critique as It is a concern but for a B rank to have a drawback as severe as reducing lifespan seems to be quite extreme & slightly unneeded. Maybe reduce that to an effect not so...lethal? 
  • The strengthening touch doesn't seem very related to his main superpower at all. Again, would suggest going for and sticking to one solid power concept. 
  • For weaknesses,  I'd probably specify the distance, Is it 5 meters, 50? Specifics go a long way in telling us how much a character can actually do! 
  • I'm assuming for Endurance you mean that in the way of him simply running out of energy? Might want to reword that into something like "Making extensive use of his powers can have an effect on his energy and overuse of It can result in him becoming unconscious" 
  • Take this one with a grain of salt because you haven't actually described it in any way yet but usually, most people wouldn't really associate Enigmatic as a positive trait given Its definition. Could definitely see It as a neutral trait, though. Personally, It just seems like an odd trait to say It's "good."  
 
@DeKay A few suggestions that align with Welians 

  • You're definitely gonna want to add a lot more weaknesses given how versatile he is as a result of his augmentations. Would definitely suggest making the weaknesses of his Superpower and Augmentations separate as well. One suggestion I have is that given his body is so suited to having Cybernetics and extensive augmentations, maybe write something in about how he has to be careful not to lose his humanity? Something along those lines anyway. 
  • I'd say you might want to rethink the Villain role so you'd be able to more consistently involve him in the main cast. Given possible rising Anti-Super sentiment, you could make him and his crew a sort of hired bunch of Security guards for the Facility who also moonlight as Vigilantes? That way you can get him more involved with the other characters properly whilst still maintaining his core characteristics en all. 
 
too much idea said:
Yes, mam!
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Also remember the energy vs strength question. I feel pretty confident, as she is written, that she would make more sense with a moderate strength and a high energy stat.


i also had some suggestions about consolidation of powers, but I just woke up and don't remember them.


i expect they are written some several pages back at this point
 
Gus said:
Coffee is still kicking in so take this with a grain of salt. It seems like the supporting powers are a little… expansive? I mean I get how they are related, I think, but they are supposed to be boiled down to two key ideas, ideally. 


If I am understanding the concept correctly, she can generate kinetic energy and then externalize it beyond the bounds of her body? 


So the first thing is, maybe bring strength down to 4 or 5 and boost energy stat instead? That way, she is strong, but her true strength is when she focuses the energy of her strength into a sort of Ch'i strike, yeah?  Which can shoot some distance away, or enhance her punch enough to go off the charts strong, or Ch'i block an enemy strike. 


I would describe that as 


Primary power:


Force capacitance: Naran can store power from her motion into an internal 'kinetic capacitor' and liberate that energy to enhance her strength, speed and toughness


Related powers: Ki punch (Which can extend past the reach of her fist or foot) Ki block (which can protect her from enemy attack or from her own most powerful punch's backlash) Ki jump (pretty self explanatory)


All that in mind, maybe adjust stats to something more like 2, 5, 5, 1, 3, 4, 7  or even 2, 5, 3, 1, 3, 4, 9!


As described, it really seems energy is her primary stat with strength a distant second, and defense in the normal human range except when she is able to generate kinetic shielding.   Health 1 feels too low for such a vigorous strong character.


I will say this: love the background, history, relationships, everything. Nice. Fun and interesting.
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@too much idea Found it way back on page 10!
 
Alright, so he needs 3 weaknesses for the augmentations (which he has) and 3 more for his superpower?
 
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