Advice/Help Being Ghosted - How do you handle it?

[LunaHasawa996]

Ghosted = When someone stops all forms of social media communication and ignores you without any cause or reason

One of my partners broke our agreement that if they lost interest in our RP, they would tell me. Ive been ghosted before, but it still doesnt hurt any less to a degree when you see a favorite RP be dropped without word or reason.

I was wondering how you guys handle it.seeing a partner of a favorite RP of yours interact and be active with others while they completely pretend you and your RP with you no longer exists.

 

[Jannah]

I'm honestly pretty indifferent about it. Like, shit happens and people may grow bored of the RP. I can sympathize with the boredom since it happens to me quite frequently. I'm also so accustomed to being ditched by nearly everybody who comes into my life, thus I'm not fazed by it anymore.

 

[Idea]

I personally, and I deviate from your definition in a way that I will get to below, handle it by giving them a chance to come back first, and then by moving on, possibly trying to do a similar RP with someone else, or just moving on to whatever is my next project. While I wait I can usually occupy myself with one of the billion different things I have to and like to do, without too much being missing, since my RPs usually have fairly spaced out replies anyway.


Now, one thing that may be able to help you, is a slight change in perspective. It won’t solve the problem, but one thing to have awareness about is that people aren’t ditching you without a reason. The reason will seldom have to do with you, and instead will probably have to do with one’s own circumstances in life combined with the person’s communication difficulties.

 

[Onmyoji]

Give them a chance to return if you liked the rp. If they don't, move on. You can't force another person to interact with you.

It won’t solve the problem, but one thing to have awareness about is that people aren’t ditching you without a reason. The reason will seldom have to do with you, and instead will probably have to do with one’s own circumstances in life combined with the person’s communication difficulties.

I very much agree with this point. Sometimes it's just really external circumstances that lead to loss of interest/forgetfulness etc that, combined with a person being shy or something, results in ghosting.

 

[rae2nerdy]

So are we talking the person is still active on the computer or they are entirely offline?

If they are still online I send them a follow up reply just to make sure they didn’t forget or just get busy. If they don’t respond in two days I close the roleplay and move on. (Time period may change if they have already said replies might be like once a week or something)

If they are offline I assume something came up IRL. I have had partners have deaths in the family, loose their jobs, have their internet/compute break, get swamped with school/work, etc. they can’t always let me know so I don’t let it bother me.

If they don’t come back in a month I close the roleplay with the option of reopening if their circumstances change.

 

[LunaHasawa996]

They are actively online in other servers and posting to other people and such ajd having conversations. I see them doing this and poked them saying "are you still interested?" and they keep talking to others. Our to is 20 days wothout a reply and 2 days without communication though they are active today 30 minutes ago.

 

[Early]

Yeah man, this sucks. I've had a few RPs totally dropped. I dont call it Ghosting, I call it what it FRP. Failed RP, and the failure is on their part. Some people are FRPers, and they should be ashamed of their inability to commit. It's sort of like leading someone on and then once you're dating they just cut the chord and say something like "Sorry I'm just not ready yet." Don't feel bad, I'm sure they came to you saying they'd be interested, so remember they're the failures and incompetent when it comes to commitment.

Just move on, dont message them anymore, and try again. Takes a while to find a good partner. Even once you do, after a while, they very likely will drop and FRP as well.

 

[LunaHasawa996]

Early

Yeah. I pretty much kept the RP sever still and just moved it out of sight. What makes me sad is it was one of my only 2 Dororo anime fandom RPs. Now i only have one and finding anyone interested in this anime is like finding a needle in a haystack... You'd think with as big a fanbase it has, someome would wanna RP it.

 

[Early]

Welp. Fandom RP is pretty tough to fill, I find. I personally rarely if not never do it. Good luck tho, sport. Don't give up.

 

[rae2nerdy]

They are actively online in other servers and posting to other people and such ajd having conversations. I see them doing this and poked them saying "are you still interested?" and they keep talking to others. Our to is 20 days wothout a reply and 2 days without communication though they are active today 30 minutes ago.

If they don’t respond to your follow up post I would give them the promises two days and move on.

I myself will sometimes have multiple roleplays going on at once and might not get a response to everyone right away.

So if you have a set time frame to wait than I would do that. Don’t contact them a second time but wait the two days. If they don’t respond them move on.

 

[kevintheradioguy]

I used to take it to heart... as much as I can take anything to heart, which isn't that much or that deeply. Used to write to them, trying to at least force a formal quitting line from them. Just being dropped like that without a say was infuriating to me. I'd take a "no", but not leaving like that. I never ghost people - why would they do it to me? Well, my momma always said that the world will treat you the same way you treat it, however, world doesn't give a shit. This doesn't work this way. Your own conscience is solely your moral compass - and I don't mean in RP, I mean in general. In other words, just because you are a good person in this regard does not automatically mean that you'd be paired up with other good people like this.

Anyhow!

Then, time passed, my skin got thicker. I am a very logic-based person, and at some point I asked myself: I feel bad and betrayed. How does it help the situation? In no way. Why should I continue feeling this way? I shouldn't. So I stopped.

What I am trying to say: it comes with time and cynicism. The realisation that feeling anything, dealing with it, being sad or angry is just not worth the trouble, and you have to shrug it off, and move on. Deem them an asshole if you'd like, and that's it. Make the "asshole" a full stop in your relationships, as the matter of fact, and close the book. You'll feel awful and make them feel bad if you don't let it go. I use logic for this, maybe you might need something else, but to me "why should I stick to feeling this way" is enough of a reason to stop feeling this way.

 

[LunaHasawa996]

To everyone saying "give them two days"

I have been trying to say the following:

The last time we talked was April 24th.

I messaged them April 26th with the following:

"Our RP has been still for 19 days. Wanna start a new one? Maube with Hyakkimaru? -not sure if youre still interested at this point- "

They have been active TODAY posting and talking with other people in other Discord Servers I share with them with no response to my messages.

So basically, I've already done what you guys have said. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm allowed to be upset that they broke how we agreed on the "If you lose interest tell me" factor or not.

 

[rae2nerdy]

LunaHasawa996 I mean we aren't here to police your feelings. It's not up to us to say if you are "allowed" to feel any particular way. Their your feelings and you have the right to have them.

That said I personally don't get upset at ghosting. I'm used to it and it honestly doesn't do much more than annoy me momentarily. But that's come with a lot of experience and a fairly easy going nature. That doesn't mean that you have to feel the same way or that it's wrong for you to be upset.

 

[kevintheradioguy]

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm allowed to be upset that they broke how we agreed on the "If you lose interest tell me" factor or not.

Mate, you are allowed to feel however the hell you want. Real question to ask: do you really want to feel upset?

 

[LunaHasawa996]

Mate, you are allowed to feel however the hell you want. Real question to ask: do you really want to feel upset?

I guess my problem is just the fact of the following:

I'm upset they broke our agreement to just talk to me and tell me
I'm upset that one of my two fandom RPs I worked so hard to find has been abandoned
I'm frustrated that this keeps happening more and more lately as the years ago on.

Mainly the main cause of my being upset is the second one: A fandom RP I'm craving gets dropped and I can't find anyone else to RP it.

 

[kevintheradioguy]

Mainly the main cause of my being upset is the second one: A fandom RP I'm craving gets dropped and I can't find anyone else to RP it.

Aw. Lis'n, it's... We've all been there, a'ight? It's very hard to find members of your own fandom when there's so much of them around. It's hard to find roleplayers in your fandom. And it's hard to find decent ones. Odds are really against you, so I'd really suggest this: do not get your hopes up. It might sound like a terrible advice, but in reality, it's the opposite of that. It's almost my life's journey: expect the worst. If you don't get what you want, you are not upset, for you have expected this. if you get what you want - a good long-term RP - you'd be pleasantly surprised. And that's much better than to get your hopes up, and then get them crushed.

There always will be assholes who'd ghost you. No notice, no words, nothing. Agreements or not. It's better to be prepared for them.

Another advice, this was an obscure anime fandom, right? How about you just copy the general idea of this anime, and call it an original story? I bet you will get more people interested in that. Both fans of the anime, and fans of original stories.

 

[Idea]

I said it before, I'll say it again: People don't ghost without a reason. They don't just randomly wake up one day and decide "today I'm ditching someone". Granted, it won't always be a good reason. In this case it certainly seems to me as though awkwardness may have played a role, given the amount of time that passes it makes it harder and harder for them to actually confront you. A good chunk, dare I say a majority of RPN has some form of anxiety so combining the two can make it really hard for them to communicate. There's more factors of course, but the point is, there's always a reason and seldom is it anything personal or a specific issue of what you may have done.

With that said, you have every right to be upset. Naturally, one ought to know, and I don't doubt you do, that being upset doesn't solve the issue. There's a bit of a mutual correlation between RPers who have been RPing for longer and RPers who can better handle cases such as this, of being ghosted and seeing RPs dying. With very rare exceptions it both takes and develops a degree of tolerance for these things to RP longer. You learn methods of coping with it, you learn to take it to heart less, and you learn ways of making it happen less often or to better live with it happening.

Now, you mentioned one of the things that make you most upset about this was that it was an RP for the Dororo fandom. I do think you may be limiting yourself in regards to the people you can actually get in the fandom, mostly in two ways: Your requirements and your bumps. The requirement " I am a fast typist and tend to reply quite frequently (within minutes of a post at times). I would love a partner who is readily available and able to reply multiple times back and forth several times a day/week" is an insanely hard push for a lot of people, and when you combine it with asking for 3 to 8 paragraphs it makes casual and simple players feel like they can't possibly keep up, and detailed players such as myself will look at this and think you can't physically mean by "paragaph" anything extensive, as it is just too hard to believe that someone can write that kind of material that fast that consistently. Either due to the requirements or poor wording choice, you manage to alienate every single writing style at once.
Two other requirements also affect your chances. The discord requirement (if not for roleplay then for OOC) seems to be an absolute. While this isn't bad per say, a lot of RPN has discord and such platfoms, it is cutting some of the people out. For a niche fandom, that can be fatal, as you're already counting on a very small pool of people, so every little cut makes it exponentially less likely to find a matching partner.

Lastly, and the biggest offender, is the matter about making the other person play a cannon character while you play an OC. This is just about the hardest pairing style to get partners for. The reasons for that can pretty much be found here: Experiences - How do you feel about Oc x Canon Rps? , but to grossly oversimplify, the OC x cannon RP gives you a degree of liberty it strips from other people, and thus feels more like an ungrateful burden for many than anything remotely appealing. It is the kind of RP that someone would pretty much only take it they are desperate to play said cannon character. Your explanation for why you don't wan them playing an OC is reasonable, but it also seems hypocritical from an outsider's viewpoint: After all, if such a risk is enough to make it so they can't RP an OC, why are you allowed? This is the gut reaction feeling one may get, and while it isn't rational it is important to consider as it is quite possibly one if the biggest hydrances towards your ability to find partners for this fandom.

Lastly, there's your bumps. The sheer amount of them makes you seem desperate, needy and impatient (regardless of whether you actually are), which in turn makes people less likely to want to play with you. The majority of your bumps were within a day or less, which really doesn't help your case.

In short, there's a lot you can do to at least greatly improve your chances of finding partners for the fandom you want. I won't promise that you will find said partners without question- I don't know the fandom well enough to know whether it has a real base here on RPN or anywhere really- but the odds can certainly turn more in your favor.

 

[Hige]

I had someone ghost me who I thought was a friend, we chatted about non-RP stuff, I knew a bit about her family and then she ghosted me. It actually kind-of hurt, but after that I've grown a thicker skin. I really don't bother to get to know my RP partners till after awhile and after I know the RP is good. It's really weeded out the keepers and just the people who just go. Being busy helps now too, sometimes I just don't remember who replies or not.

 

[LunaHasawa996]

I said it before, I'll say it again: People don't ghost without a reason. They don't just randomly wake up one day and decide "today I'm ditching someone". Granted, it won't always be a good reason. In this case it certainly seems to me as though awkwardness may have played a role, given the amount of time that passes it makes it harder and harder for them to actually confront you. A good chunk, dare I say a majority of RPN has some form of anxiety so combining the two can make it really hard for them to communicate. There's more factors of course, but the point is, there's always a reason and seldom is it anything personal or a specific issue of what you may have done.

With that said, you have every right to be upset. Naturally, one ought to know, and I don't doubt you do, that being upset doesn't solve the issue. There's a bit of a mutual correlation between RPers who have been RPing for longer and RPers who can better handle cases such as this, of being ghosted and seeing RPs dying. With very rare exceptions it both takes and develops a degree of tolerance for these things to RP longer. You learn methods of coping with it, you learn to take it to heart less, and you learn ways of making it happen less often or to better live with it happening.

Now, you mentioned one of the things that make you most upset about this was that it was an RP for the Dororo fandom. I do think you may be limiting yourself in regards to the people you can actually get in the fandom, mostly in two ways: Your requirements and your bumps. The requirement " I am a fast typist and tend to reply quite frequently (within minutes of a post at times). I would love a partner who is readily available and able to reply multiple times back and forth several times a day/week" is an insanely hard push for a lot of people, and when you combine it with asking for 3 to 8 paragraphs it makes casual and simple players feel like they can't possibly keep up, and detailed players such as myself will look at this and think you can't physically mean by "paragaph" anything extensive, as it is just too hard to believe that someone can write that kind of material that fast that consistently. Either due to the requirements or poor wording choice, you manage to alienate every single writing style at once.
Two other requirements also affect your chances. The discord requirement (if not for roleplay then for OOC) seems to be an absolute. While this isn't bad per say, a lot of RPN has discord and such platfoms, it is cutting some of the people out. For a niche fandom, that can be fatal, as you're already counting on a very small pool of people, so every little cut makes it exponentially less likely to find a matching partner.

Lastly, and the biggest offender, is the matter about making the other person play a cannon character while you play an OC. This is just about the hardest pairing style to get partners for. The reasons for that can pretty much be found here: Experiences - How do you feel about Oc x Canon Rps? , but to grossly oversimplify, the OC x cannon RP gives you a degree of liberty it strips from other people, and thus feels more like an ungrateful burden for many than anything remotely appealing. It is the kind of RP that someone would pretty much only take it they are desperate to play said cannon character. Your explanation for why you don't wan them playing an OC is reasonable, but it also seems hypocritical from an outsider's viewpoint: After all, if such a risk is enough to make it so they can't RP an OC, why are you allowed? This is the gut reaction feeling one may get, and while it isn't rational it is important to consider as it is quite possibly one if the biggest hydrances towards your ability to find partners for this fandom.

Lastly, there's your bumps. The sheer amount of them makes you seem desperate, needy and impatient (regardless of whether you actually are), which in turn makes people less likely to want to play with you. The majority of your bumps were within a day or less, which really doesn't help your case.

In short, there's a lot you can do to at least greatly improve your chances of finding partners for the fandom you want. I won't promise that you will find said partners without question- I don't know the fandom well enough to know whether it has a real base here on RPN or anywhere really- but the odds can certainly turn more in your favor.

I hinstly could have gone without all the unneeded advice/criticism that is completely unrelated to this topic, which ultimately now makes me feel like crap now that I've finally bothered to read it, which i now wished i hasn't bothered doing.

On top of that you completely left out the fact i stated that J willingly double for people who will play a cannon character for an OC, and made it seem like that is all i ask for. Next time, give your criticism privately, not biblically where it can cause and i fluence mixed opinions.

 

[Idea]

I hinstly could have gone without all the unneeded advice/criticism that is completely unrelated to this topic, which ultimately now makes me feel like crap now that I've finally bothered to read it, which i now wished i hasn't bothered doing.

On top of that you completely left out the fact i stated that J willingly double for people who will play a cannon character for an OC, and made it seem like that is all i ask for. Next time, give your criticism privately, not biblically where it can cause and i fluence mixed opinions.

I’m sorry if I upset you, that was not my intention. My intention was in fact, quite the contrary, to help. One can give you an echo chamber of self-pity, but I for one would prefer if you could be happy, and given this matter is clearly something that upsets you then surely being able to actually solve problem is the priority.

Now you may argue that is unrelated to the topic of the main thread. However, it is in fact a direct response to

I guess my problem is just the fact of the following:

I'm upset they broke our agreement to just talk to me and tell me
I'm upset that one of my two fandom RPs I worked so hard to find has been abandoned
I'm frustrated that this keeps happening more and more lately as the years ago on.

Mainly the main cause of my being upset is the second one: A fandom RP I'm craving gets dropped and I can't find anyone else to RP it.

I had already, in my first post, addressed the topic at hand on the thread. My second post was merely pointers regarding your claimed overall cause for being upset. You can’t solve ghosting, but you can try to up your odds of getting partners that won’t ghost you.

And this isn’t just something that pertains you specifically- I write things keeping in mind others will read them. To an extent , they are made to be read by those people as well, and hopefully have them take some of it as advice when they themselves may face similar issues.


Again, I’m sorry for making you feel bad. Just wanted to help.

 

[scorpiodragon]

If I am ghosted, and it’s an rp I was interested in or invested my time in, I make a point of never rping with that person again.

 

[geode x]

Honestly you kindof just have to accept it at a certain point tbh. It's not going to stop, and it's not going to go away. I would say not to take it personally and to just enjoy what little time you spent roleplaying together already. Maybe reuse the character if you want to.

 

[Sibelle Grey]

If I am ghosted, and it’s an rp I was interested in or invested my time in, I make a point of never rping with that person again.

Basically. I side-eye the person for the rest of my roleplaying life, never interact with them again, and move on to someone a bit more considerate.
Ultimately, it’s a sucky thing to do. People will continue to do it. There isn’t much anyone can do about it. All you can do is actively avoid anyone who you know is ghost-happy, and when reading an interest check, avoid anyone who states they don’t deal well with confrontation and will ghost if no longer interested (the kind of honesty I admire). Try to establish when planning a roleplay that if they tend to ghost, you’re better off not roleplaying together, and hopefully that helps a bit, too.

 

[PeteTheWitcher]

Ghosted = When someone stops all forms of social media communication and ignores you without any cause or reason

One of my partners broke our agreement that if they lost interest in our RP, they would tell me. Ive been ghosted before, but it still doesnt hurt any less to a degree when you see a favorite RP be dropped without word or reason.

I was wondering how you guys handle it.seeing a partner of a favorite RP of yours interact and be active with others while they completely pretend you and your RP with you no longer exists.

Well suck it up. That always happens to me on FFN and Discord even here