All Aboard!

[Tom-Pen]

(So, here is the beginning of another story I am working on, let me know if it's any good, did it hook you? Were you compelled to keep on reading? Would you be interested in reading more? And so on and so forth... Thanks for all the help!)

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Edited (2nd draft)

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In the icy December night air, along the low rising hills of Pero, a long passenger train rattled on down the tracks toward the city of Murrbelle. The moon was out full and the sky was clear; the moon's rays reflected off the steel engine giving it a smooth metallic gleam. The train's shadow followed fast alongside stuck unto the ground next to the tracks, shifting and morphing itself over bushes, trees and rocks as it passed them.


Inside the train-cars the rattling was light, but continuous; the motion was almost musical, always shaking and sounding in the same way with a rhythm. Chugga-chugga, Chugga-chugga, Chugga-chugga! The sound continued unceasingly, quite faint, just barley audible. Along with the sound of the train was a light side-to-side shake, and an evenly spaced bump as the train-car went over the seam between two lays of track.


Most of the passengers on the train didn't seem to mind the light, continuous, shaking of the train along the tracks, or the quiet sound of it all. In fact, many passengers might argue that it was quite soothing. One passenger, however, a middle aged man - though on the younger half of the middle - looked as though he was not being soothed at all. The sound might not have bugged him much, if at all, (It is hard to say without being able to read one's mind) but the motion was certainly a bother. He tightly clenched the ends of his arm rests until his knuckles were white, and beads of sweat gathered on his forehead. Occasionally, upon a slightly more severe bump, he would even flinch and suck in a quick breath of air.


If you had seen a man like this in passing, you might assume he was a bank teller, or insurance salesmen. He wore a light tan suit, sort of a creme color really, a faded red tie, and light brown button up shirt. He wore brown leather shoes, and a tiny pair of round, black, spectacles. His hair was a light brown, almost blonde, and was thinning in places. His eyes were brown, his brows were thin, and he had no facial hair to speak of.


He was seated in a booth within one of the travel-cars, most of the other passengers were in cabin-cars sleeping. It was rather late, nearly twelve, he was alone. The booth he occupied had four seats, two facing toward the front of the car and two facing the rear (all six booths in the travel-car were the same way). The man sat in the window seat of his booth facing toward to rear of the train. In front of him he had a tiny wooden tray table folded down, there was a glass of water and a pack of saltine crackers sitting on it. The water was disturbed by the trains motion, the man's eyes were nervously fixed on it.


"Excuse me?" A young woman's voice asked. The man jumped with a start and looked in the direction the voice had come from. Standing in the entrance way of the booth was a young woman. She had short black hair, sharp feminine features, and gentle eyes; she was perhaps a little taller than the average woman, though not by much, and seemed to have a naturally beautiful figure.


"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." She quickly said with sincere concern. The man fixed his tiny round glasses, thrown askew by his sudden jump, and swallowed. While he fixed his glasses he mumbled a quiet,


"It's okay," that was barely audible. The young woman hesitated for a moment, but then continued.


"Do you mind if I share the booth with you?" The man stared at her for a moment, like he didn't understand what she had asked. She stared back at him, an anxious smile accompanied by anxious eyes. With a sudden start the man said in a hurry,


"N-no! Go right ahead." His voice hit a particularly high note on the first "N" in his stuttered "N-no." The man nervously cleared his throat. The young woman walked into the booth and sat down in the seat across him. The man went back to clenching the arm rests for dear life. His forehead continued to gather sweat.


"Are you alright?" She asked.


"Yes." The man answered hesitantly, pulling at his shirt collar a little, an uneasy smile flashing on his face momentarily. The young woman laughed a little at his response, placing her hands comfortably in her lap. The man wiped at the sweat gathered on his forehead with his coat sleeve, fixed his glasses once again (they always seemed to slip down the brim of his nose), and took a nervous sip of water.


"Alice." The man looked up from the glass of water, eyes wide.


"Pardon?" He asked.


"Me," the young woman gestured to herself, "I'm Alice." The man nodded his head, set his glass of water down, fixed his glasses, yet again, and with crack in his voice said,


"Melvin." Alice laughed and then said pleasantly,


"It's a pleasure Melvin." A friendly, genuine looking smile showed. Melvin nodded back at her to show he agreed. "Where are you headed?"


"Murrbelle." He said, having to say the word slowly to pronounce it right.

*******

Unedited (W.I.P)​

"A pleasure, certainly." He couldn't believe how quick she must have had to move to catch the glass, he could only imagine as it all happen so quick that he hadn't seen it. Almost more impressive was the fact that she was even able to keep all the water in the cup, not a single drop had fallen. "How did you do that?" Alice laughed and handed the glass back to him.


"Just lucky I guess." She said, sitting back down. Jim sat back down as well, folding the table top back down; he took a sip of his water before setting the glass on the table. "How do you feel?" Alice asked Jim, he looked at her peculiarly.


"Sorry?"


"How do you feel Jim?" Jim thought it was odd that she would ask this, seeing as how she had just asked him if he was okay only a moment ago.


"Like I said... I...Uh..." Suddenly he didn't feel so okay, he felt oddly dizzy, and things started to blur and swirl around. He looked down at his hand, it seemed disproportionally large, and growing. He reached for his cup of water to take a drink, hoping that it might help, and that was when he saw it. he brought the glass up his lips and took a sip, he looked down into it, and to his surprise, saw something at the bottom. He lifted the glass and looked at it from the side, there was something in it, something small, it looked like a tiny pill or capsule. He lowered the glass and looked across the booth to Alice. Jim's vision narrowed, and he began to experience tunnel vision, all he could see was her face, it looked like she was smiling... then, blackness.

 

[Grey]

Can't say it hooked me; I actually had a hard time slogging through the whole thing. Language is flat, dull, often redundant.


Protagonist utterly lacks characterization - I just assume 'oh, another 20-40 white guy everyman', which is compounded by the mysterious woman looking for him specifically. He's a cipher and there's not enough energy in the narrative to carry him.


Protagonist blacking out as a scene transition? That's the kind of cliché you need to dress up in something snazzy to stop the reader noticing, then sighing.


Most of all, on that note, the scene is useless. No sense of place, no sense of time, no plot, no characterization, no artistry. It's filler.


If I found this on a shelf, I'd probably stop there. As it is I'm curious to see if it improves once you reach actual plot.

 

[Dusky]

Honestly? Even the names are kind of cliche. Jim doesn't have much going in the way of characterization and his name reflects this. And every mysterious girl ever is named Alice.


That nitpicking aside, Grey pretty much hit it on the head. There's no real setting established - nothing to make the world itself intriguing. Nothing to make the characters intriguing as they're blatant archetypes, for now. i'd disagree with Grey on plot - obviously some is being introduced. He is right about how cliche said plot is though. Someone looking for you, finding you.... It is a core element of any story for the "Shepherd" to show up and push the Hero into his Quest, but rarely should it be played so straight. Characters that are "special" for some reason, right from the get-go, tend to be less relatable, likable, personable...


The language is a bit redundant, yes, and full of still more cliche. There're also some grammatical issues here and there. That aside, you do have a distinct advantage over some aspiring writers - you appear to know how to formulate a sentence, and write with purpose. i have most definitely read worse, and this didn't make me cringe.


All in all, if you have the right attitude this can be fixed up. It'll require practice and some forethought. Give Jim a bit more dialogue. Show what kind of person he is. Revamp the basic plot. And do not be wasteful with your words - write only what you need to write. A paragraph on Jim's fear of trains could have just been left at a description of his physical bearing. Sweating, pressed into the chair - that's very good. You don't need to spend several sentences continuing to tell us what we already know.


i see what you're trying to do here, really. You want to give readers a question which compels them to read for the answer. But the reader does not want to KNOW you are doing this. And here, it's quite obvious. Besides, you need more than a mystery - you need characters and setting that the readers likes and finds interesting. Jim is boring as a doornail and the setting is sparse.


There... wow i hope this doesn't sound too harsh. ;-;

 

[ClaveVesari]

Dude, keep writing. That is all. Good job.

 

[Tom-Pen]

Thank you thank you thank you, all very good and helpful advice; If you all don't mind I may tag you when I have edited it. I would like some feedback from those who have had a good chance to read the before and after of this piece.


Thanks again!

 

[Grey]

What a refreshingly productive attitude. Feel free to tag me after editing.

 

[Tom-Pen]

@Dusky I edited part of it, but I have some other things I am working on, so I wanted to get something up sooner rather than later. let me know what you think of the changes and new direction and style. Ignore the unedited stuff at the end. Thanks again!

 

[Grey]

Definite improvement.


A lot of the phrasing is still rather inelegant, but you've made a great stride.


I'll read over it again in few hours and have more to contribute.

 

[Dusky]

Would definitely say i saw an improvement. Melvin still seems to be a bit of an everyman - but at least now it seems he's intentionally that way, and he offers the idea of character development. He goes from being a bland figure to a somewhat awkward, fearful man on an overnight train. Even without the "passing out" part of the scene, i'm already more inclined to read further ahead than i was before the edits. The biggest question in my head is, "Why is someone who hates trains on a midnight ride? Clearly it must be important."


There's still plenty of room for improvement - in diction in particular. And there's much i can't really determine just from a few paragraphs. But i have nothing but good things to say about your attitude, your willingness to work on it, and the amount of improvement you have already made from draft one to draft two.