A story of sorts

[Scattered Ambitions]

Outside of schoolwork and RpN, I'm working on a long IF (interactive fiction, aka choose your own adventure) story. It's nowhere near done, and I've attempted to get feedback and readers by posting it in the quest section, but long story short, that did not work out well. So, I'm looking for sort of beta readers for a not finished story, so I can get feedback early on. If anyone is interested, this is the link: http://writer.inklestudios.com/stories/wzxv


If you so wish, after you have read through as many times as you want, feedback (here), would be much appreciated! 

 

[ewolf20]

why not

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

why not

Uh..alright then. Thank you!

 

[ewolf20]

No prob

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Bump~

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

As much as I don't want to seem annoying, I gotta do it.


Bump

 

[Dusky]

Staff's official stance on bumping, last I checked, is that you should only bump once every 24 hours. c;


I'll give it a look. I do love IF.

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

2 minutes ago, Dusky said:



Staff's official stance on bumping, last I checked, is that you should only bump once every 24 hours. c;


I'll give it a look. I do love IF.




 

Ah, alright. I'll watch my bumping in the future. And thank you!

 

[Dusky]

I really, really enjoy the conversational tone. I went through a few playthroughs and my favorite was probably the conversation about rain happening when you say nothing can go wrong.


You honestly might benefit from making the narrator an actual character... Like a Navi of sorts, except maybe less annoying.


Anyway, it's a little bit too barebones so far to actually comment on the story itself. Keep at it!

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

59 minutes ago, Dusky said:



I really, really enjoy the conversational tone. I went through a few playthroughs and my favorite was probably the conversation about rain happening when you say nothing can go wrong.


You honestly might benefit from making the narrator an actual character... Like a Navi of sorts, except maybe less annoying.


Anyway, it's a little bit too barebones so far to actually comment on the story itself. Keep at it!




 

A Navi?

 

[Dusky]

An always present companion, like a familiar. Navi is Link's fairy in Ocarina of Time. ^^;

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

An always present companion, like a familiar. Navi is Link's fairy in Ocarina of Time. ^^;

Oh, yeah! That could be cool. I'll see what I can do.

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Bump!

 

[Seldil]

The writing its self is pretty good and I was instantly sucked into the story wanting to find out what happens to the main character. Finding it was a dream sequence honestly left me feeling cheated. I tend to feel that way with all false beginnings. The Q and A section that follows the dream was also immersion breaking I kept trying to figure out who I was talking to. Perhaps making the questioner a character (as dusky suggested) or just working it more naturally into the story. As it is written now it feels like someone is standing next to the bed asking the questions but you are not sure who. Overall I want more, I love IF so keep working on it.

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Thank you for the feedback! I was working the narrator into the story but was going to reveal it later on. I can speed up that process right to the beginning. And, if you choose the right path, you do end up getting to the point the story started at.
Seldil