Nokumi
Tonight we fight like we never have before!
You can give me your opinion. Or don't. Idc. Just when giving an opinion keep in mind my mother was a mentally abusive and toxic parent.
So... I've been having like... idk flash back??? If you can even call it that. Just memories coming up I guess... so... my mom... wasn't ever nice to me.... And one of the things she did was put me in mental hospitals cuz she couldn't be a dam parent and deal with me. As a result it gave me trauma. Ptsd. And trust issues. Also separation anxiety. And since I was in and out of the mental hospitals all through out my child hood i got social anxiety aswel. I prefer time alone... but then I get lonely and turn to internet. Being alone would be nice if there was someone to be alone with.
But anyway. Memories of being in the mental hospital has been popping up... so...my very first time there... they decided to put me in those big pillow rooms- and observe me like some rat. I was fine at first it was bouncy and squishy. I think I was like 8 or 7 or something??? I was fine cuz I was playing on the bouncy ness. They were observing me. And then I wanted out after 30 minutes... And they said no... And I felt trapped... I started getting mad and upset.... Which is a normal thing for a young child to do right? Get mad and upset? For being trapped in a room. So I started screaming and crying and trying to get out. This went on for an hour. And they told me they weren't gonna let me out till I calm down. But I was calm when I asked to be let out. And this made me upset cuz I wanted out and I felt trapped. I eventually burnt myself out.... but that just.. always stuck to me.... Being used like a lab rat and experimented on....
After I got out of that one I was sent to a less strict one kinda like a transition. And I think I was exposed to more negative things there than my mom would have preferred.... I learned my first cuss word there from the older kids. It was only a year later so I wasn't much older. Someone called me a stupid bitch and I didn't know what bitch meant so I said "what ever bitch" cuz the only thing I understood was stupid and I thought bitch meant brat or something. Needless to say the teen boys had respect for me afterwards cuz they didn't expect me to say the word. And I think they thought I knew what it meant. I started bantering with the boys everyday and making mocks. They probably thought it was cute or something cuz they never actually beat my ass when they threatened to.
After that I went home. But it barely even took a year to get sent back. This time I went to a little bit of a different one. It was like an actual hospital. It looked like one. But had no elderly or injured. It had a yard outside. A cafeteria. A gym. A indoor playground made of squishy stuff. And a game room. Is it sad to say that I was the happiest in that specific hospital??? I got to eat WHAT EVER food I wanted. I had Cake or ice cream or sweet treats first. Then I ate what ever i felt like. No one telling me how or what to eat. Ones I got anough points I was allowed into the game room, I watched the original 2003 anime of teen titans. Something my mother would have never let me watch. And I played VIDEO GAMES something my mom disapproved of. I got an hour of outside time every day. To play or what ever I wanted. Sand and junk. Which was WAY more than my mom ever did for me. And every so often we got taken to the squishy gym to play games. That one with the giant rainbow thing You toss up and make a bubble and go under and giggle. And then after we went to a section. Of the gym with squishy parkour platforms and squishy tunnels and hidey places to hide. Giant squishy blocks to climb onto and do all sorts of cool stuff and no way to get hurt. The very top floor was where the bedrooms were.
Now here's where that hospital started to get more like a prison. You couldn't bring stuffed animals. Or books. Or certain clothes because of the metal stuff.or stuff that could be ripped off. No toys or anything. You couldn't have pencils or paper inside the room. So there was absolutely NOTHING to do. You had a bedtime and during the bed time you weren't allowed outside the room for any reason. But the bedroom had a bathroom. So you were ok. Even if you couldn't sleep you weren't allowed outside. You weren't allowed to close the doors even if you felt in danger. (Which I did because one time a guy ran around trying to stab people with a pencil and I wasn't allowed to shut my door to protect myself) and each room had a roommate if there wasn't anough rooms for a person to be alone. I always got stuck with the worst room mates. (One time I was stuck with this girl who would stand over my bed at night and watch me sleep with a creepy smile and I was stuck on the opposite side of the door so I could escape cuz I was between the wall and her) every night while you were sleeping a guard came around and walked into the berooms and shined a flash light in your face. Which if your like me it woke you up and then you had issues falling asleep afterwards. I still don't know why they did this. Some people said it was to check if I was still breathing and others said it was to make sure I wasn't hiding anything. And you still had school
Then after another year i was sent to yet another less strict transition. Where I still lived on a campus of mental hospital but but. I actually went to a school. I got an allowance. And it was like an actual group home. I was finally allowed toys. And stuffed animals. And I actually have one of my stuffed animals from that time still. They took us out to public places like a roller skating rink even tho I couldn't roller skate I still liked to go to the arcade. And then we went to movies and other things. Too. But. There were really bad parts. Probably the worst. This is where I got my first boyfriend- I was maybe 10 or 11. I was ending my first year of middle school. Wanna know what age my boyfriend was???
warning viewer discretion is advised as it may trigger some PEOPLE do not read until after you u see 
sign
graduating high school at 18. He was almost 19 which meant after that ones he graduated he would have went to an adult mental hospital. We kissed and everything.
Ok. My boyfriend and I had this little idea to try and escape. We managed to actually get out of the building by stealing a key card. Pretty sure someone got fired that day. And we went running for the gate. But I couldn't climb the gate and people were approaching so he "sacraficed" himself for me. Allowing himself to get captured and allowing me to run for another 1 hour and 45 minutes. The teacher couldn't keep up with me but I had plenty of energy left. She ended up walking and I kept running. Climbing all sorts of things. So many parkour and things I couldn't do now at my age anymore. The ONLY reason I got caught is because some dude came out another door that I had just passed. And grabbed my arm. Yanking me so high up off the ground my feet barely touched and my arm felt like it was gonna rip out of its socket. I started screaming and crying. And he gripped harder even tho I wasn't struggling. And when I asked for him to lower me a little so i would be on my feet he said no. And just basically carried me by the one arm to a room that was empty.
I was upset. And someone had already started to peel the paint and I was bored, so I kept peeling the paint which was already partially gone, and the hole just got bigger and bigger and bigger and Well the guy walked in grabbed me and put me in a restraint with his knees against my back and crossing my arms and pulling on my arms it hurt so bad I started to scream and cry. He kept telling me to fucking relax and he will stop pulling on them BUT I COULDNT RELAX CUZ IT HURT AND HE PULLED HARDER EVERY TIME I TRIED TO LOOSEN IT. my arms were not meant to bend like that. Needless to say I had red marks on my shoulders from how bad he pulled, he had zero care for the safety of me and zero care for my well being. I was a kid. I was gonna do stupid SHIT. DIDNT HAFTO HURT ME.
SO . There was some good. And some bad, sometimes I wish I could go back. Sometimes I wish I never went. But the traumatic parts of it just... stuck to me.... the good parts too... But the traumatic scarred me...
My lesson in all of This? Please PLEASE PLEASE!! Parents. DONT send your kids there if you don't hafto. I would only send kids there if it was a very absolutely 100% last resort. It messes your kids up worse than before they go. Gives them new issues in turn for the old. And lastly exposes them to things that you as a parent should not expose them to at as a young age as I was when I first went. It put me in so much danger. It taught me so much horrible things. And it messed with who I would ultimately turn out to be as an adult...
So... I've been having like... idk flash back??? If you can even call it that. Just memories coming up I guess... so... my mom... wasn't ever nice to me.... And one of the things she did was put me in mental hospitals cuz she couldn't be a dam parent and deal with me. As a result it gave me trauma. Ptsd. And trust issues. Also separation anxiety. And since I was in and out of the mental hospitals all through out my child hood i got social anxiety aswel. I prefer time alone... but then I get lonely and turn to internet. Being alone would be nice if there was someone to be alone with.
But anyway. Memories of being in the mental hospital has been popping up... so...my very first time there... they decided to put me in those big pillow rooms- and observe me like some rat. I was fine at first it was bouncy and squishy. I think I was like 8 or 7 or something??? I was fine cuz I was playing on the bouncy ness. They were observing me. And then I wanted out after 30 minutes... And they said no... And I felt trapped... I started getting mad and upset.... Which is a normal thing for a young child to do right? Get mad and upset? For being trapped in a room. So I started screaming and crying and trying to get out. This went on for an hour. And they told me they weren't gonna let me out till I calm down. But I was calm when I asked to be let out. And this made me upset cuz I wanted out and I felt trapped. I eventually burnt myself out.... but that just.. always stuck to me.... Being used like a lab rat and experimented on....
After I got out of that one I was sent to a less strict one kinda like a transition. And I think I was exposed to more negative things there than my mom would have preferred.... I learned my first cuss word there from the older kids. It was only a year later so I wasn't much older. Someone called me a stupid bitch and I didn't know what bitch meant so I said "what ever bitch" cuz the only thing I understood was stupid and I thought bitch meant brat or something. Needless to say the teen boys had respect for me afterwards cuz they didn't expect me to say the word. And I think they thought I knew what it meant. I started bantering with the boys everyday and making mocks. They probably thought it was cute or something cuz they never actually beat my ass when they threatened to.
After that I went home. But it barely even took a year to get sent back. This time I went to a little bit of a different one. It was like an actual hospital. It looked like one. But had no elderly or injured. It had a yard outside. A cafeteria. A gym. A indoor playground made of squishy stuff. And a game room. Is it sad to say that I was the happiest in that specific hospital??? I got to eat WHAT EVER food I wanted. I had Cake or ice cream or sweet treats first. Then I ate what ever i felt like. No one telling me how or what to eat. Ones I got anough points I was allowed into the game room, I watched the original 2003 anime of teen titans. Something my mother would have never let me watch. And I played VIDEO GAMES something my mom disapproved of. I got an hour of outside time every day. To play or what ever I wanted. Sand and junk. Which was WAY more than my mom ever did for me. And every so often we got taken to the squishy gym to play games. That one with the giant rainbow thing You toss up and make a bubble and go under and giggle. And then after we went to a section. Of the gym with squishy parkour platforms and squishy tunnels and hidey places to hide. Giant squishy blocks to climb onto and do all sorts of cool stuff and no way to get hurt. The very top floor was where the bedrooms were.
Now here's where that hospital started to get more like a prison. You couldn't bring stuffed animals. Or books. Or certain clothes because of the metal stuff.or stuff that could be ripped off. No toys or anything. You couldn't have pencils or paper inside the room. So there was absolutely NOTHING to do. You had a bedtime and during the bed time you weren't allowed outside the room for any reason. But the bedroom had a bathroom. So you were ok. Even if you couldn't sleep you weren't allowed outside. You weren't allowed to close the doors even if you felt in danger. (Which I did because one time a guy ran around trying to stab people with a pencil and I wasn't allowed to shut my door to protect myself) and each room had a roommate if there wasn't anough rooms for a person to be alone. I always got stuck with the worst room mates. (One time I was stuck with this girl who would stand over my bed at night and watch me sleep with a creepy smile and I was stuck on the opposite side of the door so I could escape cuz I was between the wall and her) every night while you were sleeping a guard came around and walked into the berooms and shined a flash light in your face. Which if your like me it woke you up and then you had issues falling asleep afterwards. I still don't know why they did this. Some people said it was to check if I was still breathing and others said it was to make sure I wasn't hiding anything. And you still had school
Then after another year i was sent to yet another less strict transition. Where I still lived on a campus of mental hospital but but. I actually went to a school. I got an allowance. And it was like an actual group home. I was finally allowed toys. And stuffed animals. And I actually have one of my stuffed animals from that time still. They took us out to public places like a roller skating rink even tho I couldn't roller skate I still liked to go to the arcade. And then we went to movies and other things. Too. But. There were really bad parts. Probably the worst. This is where I got my first boyfriend- I was maybe 10 or 11. I was ending my first year of middle school. Wanna know what age my boyfriend was???
warning viewer discretion is advised as it may trigger some PEOPLE do not read until after you u see sign graduating high school at 18. He was almost 19 which meant after that ones he graduated he would have went to an adult mental hospital. We kissed and everything.
Ok. My boyfriend and I had this little idea to try and escape. We managed to actually get out of the building by stealing a key card. Pretty sure someone got fired that day. And we went running for the gate. But I couldn't climb the gate and people were approaching so he "sacraficed" himself for me. Allowing himself to get captured and allowing me to run for another 1 hour and 45 minutes. The teacher couldn't keep up with me but I had plenty of energy left. She ended up walking and I kept running. Climbing all sorts of things. So many parkour and things I couldn't do now at my age anymore. The ONLY reason I got caught is because some dude came out another door that I had just passed. And grabbed my arm. Yanking me so high up off the ground my feet barely touched and my arm felt like it was gonna rip out of its socket. I started screaming and crying. And he gripped harder even tho I wasn't struggling. And when I asked for him to lower me a little so i would be on my feet he said no. And just basically carried me by the one arm to a room that was empty.
I was upset. And someone had already started to peel the paint and I was bored, so I kept peeling the paint which was already partially gone, and the hole just got bigger and bigger and bigger and Well the guy walked in grabbed me and put me in a restraint with his knees against my back and crossing my arms and pulling on my arms it hurt so bad I started to scream and cry. He kept telling me to fucking relax and he will stop pulling on them BUT I COULDNT RELAX CUZ IT HURT AND HE PULLED HARDER EVERY TIME I TRIED TO LOOSEN IT. my arms were not meant to bend like that. Needless to say I had red marks on my shoulders from how bad he pulled, he had zero care for the safety of me and zero care for my well being. I was a kid. I was gonna do stupid SHIT. DIDNT HAFTO HURT ME.
SO . There was some good. And some bad, sometimes I wish I could go back. Sometimes I wish I never went. But the traumatic parts of it just... stuck to me.... the good parts too... But the traumatic scarred me...
My lesson in all of This? Please PLEASE PLEASE!! Parents. DONT send your kids there if you don't hafto. I would only send kids there if it was a very absolutely 100% last resort. It messes your kids up worse than before they go. Gives them new issues in turn for the old. And lastly exposes them to things that you as a parent should not expose them to at as a young age as I was when I first went. It put me in so much danger. It taught me so much horrible things. And it messed with who I would ultimately turn out to be as an adult...
