Blue winter rose
wandering storyteller
prompt:This wasn’t suppose to happen/ when I look at you it aches
words: 377
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Dear love,
I see you every morning when we wake up. Every evening when we go asleep. We share a bed, a table, a home. Still, I miss you. Your body is here, but your mind is somewhere else.
This isn’t supposed to happen. Not to us. Not to you. We have everything we ever wanted. Everything we ever dreamt of. Nice house, good job, lovely children, still your light is smothered out, and I can’t help but wonder, was it me? Was there something that I do? Am I not good enough to make you happy?
If I look at you, it aches. The memory of what used to be sharp on my mind. The smile that was never far away, the glitter in your eyes, the way you skip over your words when enthusiastic gone, all gone. Sometimes there is a flicker of hope, the sun peeking through, but the clouds are never far away.
I see you struggle, but when I ask how you are doing you say you are fine, and I shouldn’t worry. Yet, you wander through the house aimless in the middle of the night. You bring your pain online and share it there where you know no one will help. So you can say no one cares.
I reach out to help, try bringing you to someone who can help, but you pull away. Running away from the help you need. Scared for the daemons in your head. Hiding your problems away, but that is not going to work.
I love you with all I have, and I promised to never let you go. Vowed to be with you in the bad and the good, but I can’t do it any more. It affects the children too. I know you don’t want it. They already matured to young. They can’t grow up with a mother who rather drinks her problems away then deal with them. They can’t grow up seeing their mom punish herself just for being alive.
I can’t stop you tearing yourself down, spiralling into the dark. I tried, and I failed. But I will not let you pull the children with you.
I am sorry. This wasn’t the plan. You are always in my heart.
Loves,
Noah
words: 377
--------
Dear love,
I see you every morning when we wake up. Every evening when we go asleep. We share a bed, a table, a home. Still, I miss you. Your body is here, but your mind is somewhere else.
This isn’t supposed to happen. Not to us. Not to you. We have everything we ever wanted. Everything we ever dreamt of. Nice house, good job, lovely children, still your light is smothered out, and I can’t help but wonder, was it me? Was there something that I do? Am I not good enough to make you happy?
If I look at you, it aches. The memory of what used to be sharp on my mind. The smile that was never far away, the glitter in your eyes, the way you skip over your words when enthusiastic gone, all gone. Sometimes there is a flicker of hope, the sun peeking through, but the clouds are never far away.
I see you struggle, but when I ask how you are doing you say you are fine, and I shouldn’t worry. Yet, you wander through the house aimless in the middle of the night. You bring your pain online and share it there where you know no one will help. So you can say no one cares.
I reach out to help, try bringing you to someone who can help, but you pull away. Running away from the help you need. Scared for the daemons in your head. Hiding your problems away, but that is not going to work.
I love you with all I have, and I promised to never let you go. Vowed to be with you in the bad and the good, but I can’t do it any more. It affects the children too. I know you don’t want it. They already matured to young. They can’t grow up with a mother who rather drinks her problems away then deal with them. They can’t grow up seeing their mom punish herself just for being alive.
I can’t stop you tearing yourself down, spiralling into the dark. I tried, and I failed. But I will not let you pull the children with you.
I am sorry. This wasn’t the plan. You are always in my heart.
Loves,
Noah
