There is no 'we' in chocolate. Or bacon.
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I don't know why men go to bars to meet women. Go to Target. The male-to-female ratio is about 10-to-1, and they are already looking for some crap that they really don't need.
You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying stuff that you shouldn't? Yeah, I don't have one of those.
Whatever your political party affiliation, make sure you get out and vote tomorrow in the U.S. midterm elections. Perform your civic right and let your voice be heard!
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake them until the light comes on.
I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I've done some sketchy shit for bacon and chocolate.
To all the adults using coloring books for stress relief: grow up and get drunk like the rest of us, you pansies!
Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you are honest with them. Then you are a jackass.
I don't just flirt with disaster; I give it a orgasm.
I am trying to give up making sexual innuendos, but it's hard. So very hard.
Nice ladies, Sherwood *woof*
If you see sometime smiling before six a.m., kill them and burn the body. That person is a freaking demon.
I hate it when the voices in my head go silent. I never know what those suckers are planning.
I want to hang a Batman costume on my closet just to screw with myself for why I get Alzheimer's.
This year I'm gong to put mistletoe on the seat of my pants and let everyone figure it out.
My new favorite word is 'apparently'. It makes anything sound sarcastic. He's very intelligent, apparently.
I would never kill an animal. I'm more of a people person.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Common sense is like deodorant. Many of the people that need it don't use it.
You have 31,556 posts. I bet you I could like them all.
If there was a cure for procrastination, I would probably take it tomorrow.
Every time a bird takes a crap on my car, I like to eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch to show those bastards what I'm capable of.
I have finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
My thoughts and prayers are going out to my fellow Las Vegas residents on this anniversary of the Strip mass shooting. No jokes this time.
I have learned that it is not PC to call someone a 'tweaker'. They are actually Methican American. -
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