Dear Life: When I said, "Can my day get any worse?", it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
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I dream of a better world; one in which a chicken can cross the road without having is motives questioned. Perhaps, someday my dream will come true.
I ALWAYS pour cereal then pour the milk. If you don't, smack yourself 100 times in the face, you weirdo!
The next time you feel afraid to share your thoughts, just remember that someone once said in a meeting "lets make a movie with a tornado full of sharks!"
I am a second hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass, I eat the cows.
I don't fart. I giggle out of my rear end.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people look smart until they open their mouths to talk. Then you can hear just how stupid they are.
If I had a taser, I'd probably get curious about how it feels and zap myself. That's why I don't have a taser.
There is more money being spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzhimer's research. That means in 2040 the elderly will have perky boobs and stiff willies, but won't remember why.
Life would be so much easier if you could mark people as 'spam' and let the world delete them for you.
Losing a sewing needle is a combination of Where's Waldo and The Floor is Lava, and if you don't find Waldo, he's going to stab you.
I would try to eat healthy, but I remember hearing about that one time Adam and Eve ate an apple and doomed all humanity, so I'd better not risk it.
Grand Moff Tarkin from Star Wars gets a bad rep for doing some really great work. He eliminated all unemployment problems on Alderan overnight!
I hear about all these different challenges that teenagers are doing. Here are three I came up with: Pull up your damn pants, graduate high school, and stay out of jail.
I hate it when you gently toss your phone on your bed and it bounces off of three walls, breaks two lamps and kills the cat.
Last night for my anniversary my wife and I went to see 'Blue Man Group' at the Luxor in Las Vegas. If any of you are able to come here and are wondering what to do, I highly recommend that show as one to watch. It was great.
Getting ready to celebrate my 22nd anniversary tomorrow. I'm so happy to have spent so much of my life with such a wonderful woman.
Thanks to the Internet, I've probably seen more naked women than all of my ancestors combined.
I refused to believe that my road-worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
If zombies ever attack, go to Cosco. They have years of food and concrete walls, and the zombies can't get in without a membership card.
Break the laws of man, you go to jail. Break the laws of physics, you go to Sweeden and get a Nobel Prize.
I'm not saying kill all the stupid people. Just remove the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Next time someone gives you crap about a pile of clothes on the floor, just tell them its the remains of a dead Jedi.
I'd like to thank my middle finger for always being there for me whenever I needed it most.
No jokes this time. Just wising everyone a safe and happy new year.
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