Harry Potter fans are like: I want to go to Hogwarts! Narnia fans are like: I want to go to Narnia! Hunger Games fans are like: Nope, I'm good.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow . . . I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just about gardening facts.
Back in the day, Trix cereal used to be fruit shapes. Now they are just boring and round. Wait: what if they are still fruit shapes, but I can't see them because Trix are for kids?!?
I hate it when people as me if I drink. Of course I drink. I have water every day, and when I want to get a little bit freaky, I toss down a juice box.
I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. It would be a shame to be wasteful.
My alarm clock is obviously jealous of the wonderful and fulfilling relationship I have with my bed.
Do you know why your nose is in the middle of your face? Because its the scenter! Ha!
My mom is named mom, your mom is named mom. Don't freak out, but I think we're all related.
I hate it when I meow at a cat and they don't meow back at me. How unbelievably rude.
You know how you sometimes walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, and he just canceled your action.
When your wife tells you that we need a new broom, don't ask if she broke the old one in a crash landing. It doesn't go over well.
Just sayin'.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, is this stool taken?"
If you put dry teabags in your shoes, it helps with the odor. So your shoes smell good, but the tea tastes so bad its almost not worth it.
I would like to think that money wouldn't change me, but when I'm winning at Monopoly I become a terrible person.
I was reading a book about anti-gravity, and I found it hard to put down.
Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a special cup, a tiara, a pet that he adores, and is obsessed with a famous teenage boy.
When your kid complains to you that their noisy toy doesn't work anymore, you have to pretend to act shocked, like you just didn't take out the batteries.
Why don't dragons like to eat Paladins? Because they taste Lawful! Ha!
My friends and I have started a band named 999 Megabytes. We haven't gotten a Gig yet.
Fun tip for the day: Go and soak a bunch of dollar bills in Icy Hot, then use them to tip a stripper.
Have you ever found yourself changing an entire sentence just because you couldn't spell one word?
If you don't cut the cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you still have only had one piece.
You are welcome.
There should be a Stan Lee movie where all the Marvel superheros make cameos.
Google is obviously a girl, because she won't let you finish a sentence without suggesting other ideas.
I don't think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised at what I say as everybody else. -
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