What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name!
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'Do not touch' must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It's $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
You know that the sex is good when it sounds like running in flip-flops.
The local pervert flasher was thinking about retirement, but he decided to stick it out for another year.
Before your first date, don't ask for him/her to send you nude pics of themselves. Have them take a picture of their medicine cabinet so you know just how much of a crazy nutburger that person is before you go and date them and make it too late.
I shot my first turkey today. I think it went well, but it scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.
Daughter: Mom and dad? Can I sleep in here with you?
Me: No, I don't want the monster to follow you into my room and kill us all. Better you than me.
I am in love with my bed. We are perfect for each other. But my alarm clock doesn't want us together. That jealous whore.
If we were not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
I don't want to brag, but I'm awesome in bed. I can sleep for days.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
How do Japanese Chihuahua's say hello? Konichihuahua!
I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat. She says that it rings a bell, but she's not sure if she has it or not.
When a parent tells me that their children are angels, I think to myself, "So was Lucifer."
My heart says chocolate and bacon, but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat a salad and exercise!
I do crunches at least twice a day now: Captain in the morning, and later on in the afternoon Nestle. Yum.
I was going to go jogging, but in Proverbs 28:1it says, "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." So there's that.
A recent study shows that women with a little extra weight live longer than the men that mention it.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Just think: If the Indians gave the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we could all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving!
I was watching the Science Channel when they tried to tell me that photons have mass. I never knew that they are all Catholic.
Guess who just got their life together and is doing great? Not me; but someone out there probably did.
I leave my house a mess so that when my friends come over and visit, they go home feeling better about their own housekeeping skills.
I'm just that kind of friend.
You're welcome.
I got a new stick deodorant today. it said to remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells April fresh! -
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