Getting old is just one body part after another saying, "You think that's bad? Watch this!"
-
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Just think: there could be a ghost aggressively break dancing next to you right now and you'd never know.
Squirrels are just like cigarettes. They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The person that invented marriage must have been one hell of a stalker. "I love you so much, lets get the government involved so you can't leave me!"
My home WiFi went down for five minutes today, making me talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
Dear vegetarians. If you want to save animals so much, why are you eating all their food?
Your PFP
I need it
Cats are life
My housekeeping style can best be described as, "There appears to have been a struggle."
I wish I was a little kid again, where I could just go through the day without pooping myself and people would be proud of me.
I am a real party animal. And by party animal, I mean I love to take naps.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday, and I haven't passed it out yet. I'm really scared, guys.
The genie said I can't wish for more wishes, but he never said I can't wish for more genies!
Facial recognition programs can spot a person in a crowd, but a vending machine can't tell its a dollar with one corner bent.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
So, its ok for the cat to run and hide under the bed when strangers come over, but when I do it I'm being anti-social.
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.
I ate a dictionary today. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say that you are independent! Ha!
A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
What do you call a snobbish criminal falling down the stairs? A condescending con descending! Ha!
Cannibals: Someone that is fed up with people.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, just how bad of a decision can it be? -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
