Nokumi
Honor. That's what I'm after. Fame. That's my goal
The warning
I talk about my own personal issues and mental health and how I am not ok. I am mentally and physically not ok. I may need help not just therapy but I need help but don’t have the resources for the help because of the people around me not being able to provide it and I am unable to reach out for it. I talk about harmful topics and slight insanity and stress. I will put spoilers aswel. You have been warned. Viewer discretion is advised
I felt like saying something about this… because I feel it’s becoming a real problem… I have become completely and utterly dependent and reliant on rpnation.
So much so I dare say it’s become an addiction at this point. Even with depression and the addiction dwindling with my very sadness it was very apparent how much of addiction it still very much was when the site went down.
I’ve slowed down on the roleplaying. I thought I was getting better. Even if only a little. Thought maybe it was becoming a thing I no longer was OBSESSED over.
The sites usual going down usually just agitates me a little. Makes my head pulse. Makes my eyes twitch. But I inhale and go play some games and check every 20 minutes. Literally. I can’t stop looking at the clock.
The site goes back up. I’m happy I obsess over my friends and praise them and tell them how much I love them and missed them. Or missed rpnation. Or rant about how I missed rpnation. Depends on how long rpnation was down.
But this time… this time…. Sent me spiraling….
I checked all day… nothing… ok…. Might be back up in the morning…. No…. Ok …. Maybe by noon?
Checked at noon… I look…. I… it’s not…. At this point I felt the tears well up. Rpbation is usually my coping mechanism. I’m sure for a lot of people it is. It’s not just me right?
Rpnation is my ONLY healthy coping mechanism and the HEALTHIEST
AND BECAUSE I couldn’t get to rpnation…. I had no options. I haven’t had this coping mechanism in a while and I was in the mist of losing my mind. My dad wasn’t home so why not?
[Spoiler:a harmful self act for coping] I turned on the oven. Stuck in a pot for a few seconds just to get it hot anough took it out set it down and waited for a little. Then grabbed it with my bare hand to burn my hand just anough to get a sting and yanked my hand away. Like you would when you’re mixing something after you take out a pot from the oven. It wasn’t hot anough to do any permanent damage. But it was hot anough to hurt like hell[/Spoiler]
With that said and done I put everything away. It was just… hard… I kept checking. Every 20 minutes. Went to bed again knowing I wasn’t gonna talk to the one person I was the most attached to and couldn’t live with knowing I would lose. I would legit put myself in a horrible horrible situation if I lost them for good. And I would make videos on every last plat form to find them to get a hold of them. Only if they want me to. Consent is key. We’ve already talked about this together and she agreed that if we lost eachother we should search for each other. I call her mother because to me she is like a mother to me. Even if we are close in age.
3rd day I see the website changed to the white page at this point I’m digging my own nails into my skin. I’ve already broken several of my art supplies which cost me a lot of money. Pencils. Pens. Brushes. I’m too much of self controlled to break anything else.
My mind wonders to losing all my friends. I’m never gonna see them again it’s over I’ve lost everything again it’s just like when I lived with my mom…. But most importantly. . . I’ve lost
Gemini Eclipse
She’s gone… I’ve lost her im never gonna see her again… rpnation broke and I’m never gonna see her again!
This was a genuine fear of mine especially since I was in the middle of typing her a question to ask her if she could go to google docs incase something happens to rpnation. And what do you know? Rpnation. Broke….
And finally today… I had given up hope and was with my dad… I was miserable. He even could tell. I barely even moved from the couch and said I looked pale. That was until I checked rpnation. Just out of desperation. Out of habit. It was alive…. I felt the need to share my addiction. And question…
How many others are addicted as bad as me? Or perhaps not as bad but just addicted?
I talk about my own personal issues and mental health and how I am not ok. I am mentally and physically not ok. I may need help not just therapy but I need help but don’t have the resources for the help because of the people around me not being able to provide it and I am unable to reach out for it. I talk about harmful topics and slight insanity and stress. I will put spoilers aswel. You have been warned. Viewer discretion is advised I felt like saying something about this… because I feel it’s becoming a real problem… I have become completely and utterly dependent and reliant on rpnation.
So much so I dare say it’s become an addiction at this point. Even with depression and the addiction dwindling with my very sadness it was very apparent how much of addiction it still very much was when the site went down.
I’ve slowed down on the roleplaying. I thought I was getting better. Even if only a little. Thought maybe it was becoming a thing I no longer was OBSESSED over.
The sites usual going down usually just agitates me a little. Makes my head pulse. Makes my eyes twitch. But I inhale and go play some games and check every 20 minutes. Literally. I can’t stop looking at the clock.
The site goes back up. I’m happy I obsess over my friends and praise them and tell them how much I love them and missed them. Or missed rpnation. Or rant about how I missed rpnation. Depends on how long rpnation was down.
But this time… this time…. Sent me spiraling….
I checked all day… nothing… ok…. Might be back up in the morning…. No…. Ok …. Maybe by noon?
Checked at noon… I look…. I… it’s not…. At this point I felt the tears well up. Rpbation is usually my coping mechanism. I’m sure for a lot of people it is. It’s not just me right?
Rpnation is my ONLY healthy coping mechanism and the HEALTHIEST
AND BECAUSE I couldn’t get to rpnation…. I had no options. I haven’t had this coping mechanism in a while and I was in the mist of losing my mind. My dad wasn’t home so why not?
[Spoiler:a harmful self act for coping] I turned on the oven. Stuck in a pot for a few seconds just to get it hot anough took it out set it down and waited for a little. Then grabbed it with my bare hand to burn my hand just anough to get a sting and yanked my hand away. Like you would when you’re mixing something after you take out a pot from the oven. It wasn’t hot anough to do any permanent damage. But it was hot anough to hurt like hell[/Spoiler]
With that said and done I put everything away. It was just… hard… I kept checking. Every 20 minutes. Went to bed again knowing I wasn’t gonna talk to the one person I was the most attached to and couldn’t live with knowing I would lose. I would legit put myself in a horrible horrible situation if I lost them for good. And I would make videos on every last plat form to find them to get a hold of them. Only if they want me to. Consent is key. We’ve already talked about this together and she agreed that if we lost eachother we should search for each other. I call her mother because to me she is like a mother to me. Even if we are close in age.
3rd day I see the website changed to the white page at this point I’m digging my own nails into my skin. I’ve already broken several of my art supplies which cost me a lot of money. Pencils. Pens. Brushes. I’m too much of self controlled to break anything else.
My mind wonders to losing all my friends. I’m never gonna see them again it’s over I’ve lost everything again it’s just like when I lived with my mom…. But most importantly. . . I’ve lost
Gemini Eclipse
She’s gone… I’ve lost her im never gonna see her again… rpnation broke and I’m never gonna see her again!
This was a genuine fear of mine especially since I was in the middle of typing her a question to ask her if she could go to google docs incase something happens to rpnation. And what do you know? Rpnation. Broke….
And finally today… I had given up hope and was with my dad… I was miserable. He even could tell. I barely even moved from the couch and said I looked pale. That was until I checked rpnation. Just out of desperation. Out of habit. It was alive…. I felt the need to share my addiction. And question…
How many others are addicted as bad as me? Or perhaps not as bad but just addicted?
